Nothing like a Smell of a Boy

I remember the sweet smell of my son's curly blonde locks of hair. The smell of Johnson's baby shampoo radiating off his head. That's pure bliss. And then he woke up one day and the curls have been replaced with what he likes to call shark hair...a nice fohawk...with the pungent smell of boy. And my world has officially changed...Hot wheels, dinosaurs, football...bring it on!

If any of you ladies have not had the pleasure to clean a boys bathroom then you should feel thankful that God has decided that your senses should be spared. I not only have had the privilege of trying to figure out how a grown man can nasty up a bathroom I've also been blessed with the challenging job of training a 3yr. old little man. I had full intentions on teaching this one how to "aim" correctly but what I quickly realized that this is a feat that is far fetched. I never imagined how important the use of fruitloops would come into play when training a boy! It has been an interesting road to say the least.

What are little boys made of?... frogs, snails and puppy dog tails? I don't know what that means but it sounds about right. ha!ha! Jack is such an amazing little boy. He is full of life and has so much character that I know he is going to do great things. He is already practicing his super power skills and his need for speed is unreal. My prayer for him is to be a Godly man...to love and inspire others to walk with Christ. On another note I often call him my little Rush Limbaugh. He is in the "girl's can't to it stage". I constantly challenge him in this war of boys vs. girls. But at the same time I want to empower him in a way that lets in him know that God does have intentions for both boys and girls (not that one is more dominant). Needless to say we are different...and if anyone wants to question that visit both a girls and then a boys public restroom...potpourri in one and well urinal cakes in another! ha!ha! Jack is strong willed and has the need to entertain others. My job is to teach him how to use those skills and not let them over power himself. I'm learning that a strong willed child doesn't always have to mean a defiant child. Showing love is the greatest tool in teaching a child how to love. I see it in my children everyday and it makes me proud. And along with that allowing grace to be present allows for forgivness when love isn't at it's strongest. I love when my kids say "I'm sorry." but I think I almost love it more when I hear them say "I forgive you".
Boys are often taught to be tough and I think often lack these skills but one is always stronger when they have a heart that is full of God's grace and love...to know is to live....
Don't be afraid to raise a man. To be strong, confident, and secure. We want our children to behave or have certain characteristics but we need to check that at the door and realize it's not our plan for them but God's plan for them. He already knows their life path and so trust in Him to instill the certain traits that He knows they will need but at the same time there is nothing wrong with trying to help your child feel "balanced". Jack will never be calm or soft spoken. But I can still teach him patience and to take time to listen. This is a challenge for him but life is about learning to challenge yourself.

He is Jack. And I love him....even if he smells. he!he!

My Butterfly

It's been almost 7yrs. since the day that God decided to send me a precious gift. On January 15th, 2003 my beautiful daughter came into this world. And for a brief moment it seemed the world had stopped turning. After so many yrs. of failed attempts of trying to be parents we finally had our baby girl.

Soon after her dramatic birth (emergency c-section) we were told that she was extremely jaundice and needed to spend a few days in the NICU on lights...2 wks. later we were back with an RSV diagnosis...and then the snowball started growing...for the next 6yrs. we have been in and out of the Dr.'s office and hospitals. Symptoms growing and changing on a month by month and yearly basis. Tests, tests, and more tests...but no answers. Everyone is baffled on why this child is so sick with everything in infancy from respiratory problems, weight gain, stomach issues, constant battles of pneumonia to now in childhood with adding leg and back pain, migraines, sleep issues, seizures, and severe anxiety.

But finally with this new intense treatment I have seen the "light"!!! And it is a joyous time to say the least! We have had a few set backs but I refuse to take away from any progress that this child has made! It is if she has been waiting for this moment to finally be able to "speak" to wake up and not be weighted down with anxiety or sickness. She is quiet and passive...but this child is a fighter. She wants to get better...she reminds me about giving her medications...she does her exercises everyday...she is eager to go to therapy! I believe that she knows this is what is finally helping and she wants to get better to find that normalcy that she sees her peers having.

For those of you who have not had the chance to love on a special needs child let me just say that after watching a child struggle to communicate for so long and to finally find their voice...it's indescribable.

My butterfly is finally finding her wings. We still have a journey but the end is in sight and the potential of my beautiful daughter is finally showing and even though I always new it was there it is just breathtaking to see.

I am honored that God chose me to mother this child. He knew that I had the grace and love to give to her. His plan. His time. If Kambry never grows out of this...I know we will still be ok...because of Him. He will guide us and empower her to find strength in all that can make her weak. The fact that my child knows Christ and knows of His love...is the best "tool" or "medicine" that I can ever give her.

So if you see my beautiful little girl and she flashes you a smile feel free to finally smile back. My days of constantly trying to get people to not engage her is over. She still has her bad days but don't we all. In the last wk. I have seen her talk to friends and family that she has struggled to make eye contact with.

Thank You for the prayers!!! This is God's work and I am truly grateful.

Trusting your Inner Voice

Having stated in previous blogs about my current struggles I have found that I'm once again having to remind myself to trust that "inner voice". I often find myself hesitating way to long at every bend in the road. I think this is a common reaction when it seems your heart and mind are in two different places. How do you go somewhere that your heart isn't? or vice versa...But often after much prayer my answers are very clear on which path to take. And when I follow God's plan it often means having not only my mind and heart on the same path but my soul too. Then there are those times that it seems to be like climbing a mountain than walking a curvy paths with a few forks. And that feeling of not knowing what is on the other side is so great that it can often trap you into doing nothing but trying to wait for that mountain to crumble on it's own so you can pass.
Let's take one of my current problems and that is the health of my eldest daughter. She is a beautiful quite soul that is waiting for God to release the bonds that hold her down. She has been sick since she first came into this world. I pray that she will be healed and I pray that we find an answer to all of this. As a mother you want to make your children better...you want them to be happy...that's your job.
The frustrations that have come along with this are endless. Tests after tests and still no answers. Friends and family questioning every decision you make...too many tests?!..have you tested for this or that?!...is it all in her head?! or your head?!....it goes on and on.
How far do I go to get an answer? Well, this is my mountain and I guess I will go as far as I can until she can get some comfort. Until I know that my child can sleep at night or go to church or a party and not fall apart.
I seem to be at a point in my life where I am looking out at a range of mountains. I will cross over them...because I am strong and I will show my children the strength that God gives us when we need it most.
Trying to find a place where my heart and mind are both at peace has been a struggle. But I know my faith will guide me. Pray for healing over Kambry's body. Pray that I will make the right decisions for her.

***On another note...The Flu has entered the Farris house and I think it plans on paying everyone a visit. Last night was a picture for the memory books...Me sitting on a blow up air mattress in my bedroom holding up Jack's head (which had one of those sore throat suckers stuck in his hair because he fell asleep with it in his mouth and he was in no mood for me to try and pull it out) while he projectile vomited in my lap and my only thought was to try and save the pillow because we have lost so many do to sick kids or kids that decide they want to pass on the whole potty training thing one night...so as I try and "save" the pillow I knock over a bottle of beautiful blue Gatorade all over the floor...while I try to reach for the trash can I cup my hands trying to catch what I can ...and in the haste of all this I seemed to look over and catch a glimpse of a man by the name of Brad I Can Sleep Through Anything Farris laying there sound asleep with no worries in the world...ahh...all I could do is sigh as I try to wash myself down with a tub of baby wipes because my sick baby refuses to let me leave his side to go and shower...I feel a little happy at the thought of my clean puke free pillow...I have a feeling I have a few more sleepless nights ahead of me.

Mud...it's a wonderful thing...

Today was a beautiful day...fall is coming fast and I'm so very excited for cooler weather. In fact I found it was a perfect day to be outside and soak in the richness of the crisp dewy air. I just never thought it would also involve a bucket of mud and three overly excited children. But here I was on this glorious day tackling a school project that involved building a model mud house for Kambry's history lesson. The kids were beyond thrilled as you can imagine. So I put on my "happy" smile and my architect hat and we began what turned out to be a very fun project. And sure they were filthy and in need of a good hosing down and yes, I did have to remind Olivia mud is not for eating but all in all it went well. I guess this is a good example of life.... sometimes you have to get dirty and deal with a few big messes to get to the good of it all.
I know that in this mess I've currently found myself in...I've tried to remain true and hopeful knowing that life has purpose and God will see me through as he has intended. I try to look past all the mess and see light. I know it will come...
I found that my main struggle is just staying in this mind frame. Being true to myself. My faith is new and is being tested and I often fear that it's too new...it's not strong enough to stand alone. But God is always there and He's always strong. And He has Always been there...before I was even aware of His power and greatness.
This mud is just mud...it will wash away eventually.
So get dirty...it's ok. Let the mud squish between your toes...Enjoy....it is after all just mud. :-)

A Beautiful Poem

I found this special poem a few yrs. ago and I wanted to share.

My child I know you miss me,
and I sense your heart ache,
but know that I was welcomed,
inside the pearly gates.
I know no pain or sorrow,
grief is one away,
and I can't wait to see you,
with me up here on day.
Know that I still love you,
that will never cease.
Weep not for me my child,
for I am now at peace.
I saw your babies as they left,
they knew my loving touch,
I whispered in their ears,
tell mommy I love her so much.
I told them of the times we shared,
when you were in my arms,
How I held you closely to my heart,
protected from all harm.
But I could not keep you from this pain,
and for that my heart did break,
I wish I could console you now,
once more for old time's sake.
But know that I am with you,
from sun up til sundown.
I watch you while your sleeping,
when covers you turn down.
And some nights when you waken,
and are sure you heard your name
God allowed me to come down to you
and kiss you once again...

Calm in the Eye of a Storm

I am determined to stay focus no matter what storm I may be weathering in my life. I may occasionally tread into rough waters and go straight into panic mode but I know eventually my faith will always reel me back in.
My life at times seems to always feel like an uphill battle. I have been so desperate to reach the top but now I know the top is my salvation and that I will reach it eventually but now my life is to purely live in Him. To experience life at it's finest and at it's worst. To raise my kids and to focus on my family and my journey in knowing Christ. To LIVE is to LIVE it all...the up's the down's...the in between's.
I have experienced some great challenges recently. I have also found myself weak and giving into some of these in hopes that surrendering would lead me to peace. But I surrendered to the "challenge" not to my Savior and therefor found myself drowning unable to resurface. And then God's grace reached down and plucked me out and by this I mean I was able to lean on some amazing friends that he has blessed me with.
I do find myself these days asking God "why" but not in the same way I did in the past. I know that my Pain is not caused by God instead God's love is here to embrace my pain. To encompass me and guide me out of trouble waters.
Don't get me wrong. I find myself sad and broken too many times. But as my faith grows so does my strength to overcome these times. Last Sunday evening my family went to celebrate our church's b-day with praise and worship. I found myself visiting with a good friend and really focused on the joys of the evening. When Pastor asked if anyone wanted to come forward and pray I found myself walking. Not completely sure what I was even doing or what I wanted to pray about but as I stood in front of the congregation...lights dimmed and soul touching music playing... I came to a dear friend and she embraced me and I could hardly contain myself. It was a very raw experience. After that I had others come (several I've never met) embrace me and pray with me. Never have I felt so comforted. And as an endless amount of tears streamed down my face and as I went from soft sobbing to the "ugly" cry. I felt God's presence and His love. And all the while I couldn't exactly pinpoint what I was praying about...me, Kambry, my marriage, my faith, my family...and then I realized it didn't matter. He knows.
Yesterday I found myself engulfed in fear and pain and yet I was able to be calm...to stay focused. To pray. Really pray. I found myself being loved. The same love that I have for my kids. One that has been foreign to me for most of my life. It is a love that really has no judgement that is kind and comforting. That guides me back on the right path.
Life truly is a journey and some people have more bumps along the way but let's face it we all have them at some point in time.
I'm not for sure where I will find myself tomorrow but I do know where my heart is and where it will always be.
God has blessed me with the gift of compassion and the gift of love. And my heart hurts for others and my need to help heal and "fix" can overwhelm me at times but I need to stay focused on using this gift in a way that doesn't destroy the person that God wants me to be. I'm His child too and he loves me and Wants me to be Happy and Loved.
So to end this I will say I'm unsure about what tomorrow holds but "I Thank You Lord For I Am Blessed".

On another note: I was laying in bed today holding Olivia when she looked at me with those big blue eyes and those chubby cheeks that you can't help but kiss. It overwhelmed me. I swear this little baby was looking right into my soul. This amazing bond that God has given with us and our children is such a gift. I know I have lots of motherly complaints but can I just say that I love these children with everything that I am. These tender fleeting moments are the ones that will stay with us forever.

Revolving Relationships

Relationships may come and go but family is forever...or is it? I often find myself reevaluating my relationships with my friends and family. I was raised to believe that family is #1 and there is no way around that. You must stay together and battle out what differences you may have.
So now as an adult I would like to teach my children that it is a natural process for people to come and go from your life whether they be mentors, friends, or even family. That as parents you must choose wisely the inner circle that you want to influence your children. If you surround yourself with people just because you love them...your children will also be encouraged to form the same bond and it may not be a bond that is at all beneficial in fact it may just be the opposite. Children are too impressionable for this to not be taken seriously.
For so many years I thrived on pleasing others especially my family! I wanted to prove to them that I could be a person worth loving. It often backfired on me and I was often called "Miss Perfect" or "Princess" but not in a good way! ;-) It drove me crazy because I knew I was the last person on Earth who would be portrayed as "perfect". I struggled with so many inner demons and a complete lack of self esteem but yet I knew that I needed to be "good". That I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to escape a life that was filled with so much abuse and pain. Lord, I wanted to be FREE!
But now I know there is only ONE that I need to please and that is my Savior. My Great and Wonderful God that has seen me through Hell and Back! He continues to walk with me as I face more struggles in my life. And I am constantly reminding myself to trust him.
This brings me back to my own mother's struggles . Knowing that her peace has finally come has calmed my heart. My greatest fear in life is that I would be taken early and my children would not have such peace. That my "family" would not be able to share this message that God has laid with me. I see my sisters and brother struggle with my mother's death and it saddens me to no end. I miss my mother dearly and I would do anything to curl up next to her and listen to her infectious laugh. I have had days where I find myself curled up sobbing on the floor of my shower crying out for her... but yet I have peace in knowing where she is. It has only been a few days since I laid sobbing at her grave and as I finished wiping the dust from it...I found myself filled with her "love". Like she was embracing me and telling me that it is ok. And so I left eagerly wanting to pass my overwhelmed heart into my children. She is with me...God would never "take" her from me.
This same trip brought upon many interesting experiences. I found myself reconnecting with my Grandmother as I finally feel that she may be willing to accept "my" love for our Father. (In which I mean accepting the way I worship him.) So as one relationship starts to rebirth itself I found myself completely severing another one...a sister that can't escape the awful grips of our past. My mother's dying wish to me was to keep our "family" together. She said "Kerri, Please...I know you can do it. Please keep everyone close." With this she meant my brother and two sisters. As someone who lives to please...I could never imagine failing this last wish. But God has taken me on a different path and peace is with me in knowing that my heart is ALWAYS open to her. My relationship with her will be in praying for her...she doesn't "need" me she "needs" HIM!
Everyone needs a support system. This may be family.. this may be friends. Mine right now is a little of both. My church has been the one that has helped lead me out of darkness. And as I find myself with so many new struggles I am clear on the ones that will help walk with me and offer me grace and comfort.
I am not saying that if you have an argument with a loved one you should cut them off but don't feel guilted into a relationship with someone because of a last name or because of a church affiliation. Be with people that you Love or the people that God has lead you to Love. Do not be a codependent...let me try and "save" you person. Leave that up to the one that gave His Life to do so. I still find myself struggling with that one but it is becoming clearer. God wants you to help others but in a way that is good and holy.
As for you mothers please think about what you want your kids to know and the power of others influence in their lives. Remember that your sons can be Godly Men if you surround them with Godly Men. Your daughters can feel secure in their beauty and know that they are Lovely. Give them the opportunity to live a life that is full of Faith and Trust. How awesome would it have been for me to know that I WAS loved when I was being beaten or when I felt my world crumbling as my mother struggled for breathe. My kids will not be "raised" in a church. They will learn to live life through what they learn in church.
I am breaking free from all that I know so that I can Know something that is much truer.
Pray for me on this journey and I hope that you can be honest with yourself in knowing what God has intended. Love your family and embrace them but don't let them take away from knowing yourself and in knowing the true love of our Heavenly Father.

Who's The Maid?

Question: How many chores if any are appropriate for you children?

I often ask myself this question and I think I'm pretty clear now where I stand even though I still find myself struggling with the follow through. I can't do it all and I shouldn't have to! But I think for some reason in this day and time we don't expect our kids to help around the house or even pick up after themselves. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. We also find that we limit so much of what our kids do and forget that they are more capable than we think. Kambry has been making her bed, cleaning her room, and clearing the table for awhile now and has recently been sorting all the kids' laundry. A few days ago I noticed that the girls were changing their clothes twice a day and the laundry was growing more and more ridiculous so I gave up...I provided the 6yr. old and the 5yr. old with a stool and showed them how to work the washer and dryer and let them have at it. THEY DID 3 Loads!! So I glady helped them fold and put it away. So why stop there I thought. They are now in charge of emptying the upstairs trash. I figure if they can help do these things at least once a week this will help me greatly and teach them to practice obedience.
Now I've still had my days were I've noticed every room in the house littered with toys and scattered with things that just shouldn't be....toothbrushes in the kitchen, a make shift tent set up in my closet, a donut on the floor. And I find steam coming out of my ears and my voice growing at least 3 octaves higher than God meant it to be. The destruction's seems to happen so fast.
I asked Jack to pick up his cars the other day. He said "I no want to Mommy. You do it!" I replied with "Jack I'm not the maid!" So he went and fetched me the broom and said "Here you go Mommy, now you the maid!". I didn't know whether to laugh or to swat him with it. ;-)
Everyday we come home and Olivia takes her shoes off and goes and places them in her cubby. (now this means that she also has to dig all the stuff out of everyone else's cubby!)but the point is that she's trying to be obedient and be helpful and she's only 18months. She also places all her dirty clothes in her hamper in her room without even being told.
Our children can help.. it's whether we take the time to teach them and encourage them to be good servants. I don't expect them to spend their days cleaning house or being "Cinderella" by any means. They have their days when they are all about helping and other days when it's like pulling teeth and I just want to cave and do it myself. I'm sure this is just a testament to my obedience. God has given me these children so that I may teach them....if I cave what do they learn?
A good household scripture:
"Do all things without murmurings and disputings." Phillipines 2:14

To The Daughter That We Miss

So I would like to share a letter to the 1st child Bradley and I ever loved as our own. She was all of three months old when we met her. So tiny and so sweet. She had a head full of soft brown hair and the biggest blue eyes. She melted our hearts instantly. I have mentioned her in a recent blog but here is more of the story.

One day I get a call from a friend asking if I could watch a friend of her's baby. So they bring this baby over and the mother was pregnant with her 4th child and was going to have an amnio done. She had some complications from the procedure and so we agreed to keep the baby over night...well that overnight turned into about a year. We later discovered the mother suffered from some mental illnesses and was really unstable to take care of our little Sarah...so we joyfully did.

We experienced her 1st words...dada. watched her reaction to the 1st time she had icecream..we saw her 1st steps and were there to kiss her booboos when she fell. We loved her. I was able to see the wonderful father Bradley was meant to be as he cradled her when she was sick or when she ran to him as he entered the front door.

I loved all the special times of taking her to Seaworld, to the zoo, and even our late night trips to Dairy Queen. But there was also some not good times when the mother decided every once in awhile that she wanted her back and having to leave Sarah there with her was so hard even though we knew it wouldn't be long before she would be calling us begging us to take her again. The ups and the downs as the mother used Sarah as a pawn in an unfair game of cat and mouse. She would also go back and forth with the idea of us taking the 4th baby unsure if the father would bite at the fact that he was having a "SON". So right before Sarah's 1st birthday Anthony Louis was born named after who we hoped to soon be his father Bradley Louis. The Mom asked not to hold or see him when he was born. I was the 1st one to cradle him in my arms. I remember sobbing so hard my tears dripped down on to his peach fuzz face. During the birth Bradley had to take a very sick Sarah to the Children's Hospital with a stomach virus so he wasn't able to come see this new little joy until the next day. I remember him walking in with Sarah (his attempt at fixing her hair and dressing her was hilarious to say the least but I give him props for all the nasty diaper changes and having to hose out her crib the night before so I bit my tongue!)

Well, the same thing happened with Anthony. We were set up to take him and then the mom changed her mind until about midnight that 1st night home she called and had locked herself in the bathroom begging us to come get him because he wouldn't stop crying.

This wild roller coaster was soon to come to an end once Brad got orders to ship off to Japan and I was sent back home to take care of my mother who was sick with her 1st battle of cancer. The mother and father (who decided to enter the picture) put a price tag on our little babies head. I broke down and begged Bradley to just pay them the money. Bradley was very hesitant and he had every right because the price kept going up and the demands were never ending. So we closed that chapter in our life. I had to bring our sweet little girl to this insane woman and turn and walk away with her screaming at the door for me. I could tell the terror in her little voice and I knew that her life would now be filled with many challenges that no little girl should have to ever face.

We thought this was the end. I went to Oklahoma and Bradley to Japan. 7 months had past and we went back to California. It only took a day to contact Sarah and Anthony and have them back in our arms again. We took them and moved into a tiny one room suite waiting for our base housing. This joy only lasted a few months when out of the blue I get a call from the Mom saying she is coming to get the kids and she is moving.

That was the end.

Our time with Anthony was so short. We loved him with his blonde locks and his beaming blue eyes but I think we were shielding our heart more with him. We knew that our time with him would be limited.

I miss them so much. I thought the years would heal my heart especially after having our own kids. I thought it would feel that void. But it's still there. I think about her often. How old would she be? How long is her hair? So many questions...but I know eventually God will lead me back to her when He's ready.

So to my Dear Sarah Bear...I Love You

This would not be our last attempt at saving a child. We also had two beautiful little girls that came from another troubled home. They started coming and spending every summer with us after we lost Sarah and Anthony. Then that turned into every school break spring, summer, fall, winter. Finally it came time for me to report the abuse and that was the end of us getting to see the girls. We had them from around the age of 5 & 6 until they were about 9 & 10. I still hear from them every once in awhile. They have grown into such beautiful young ladies.

I am proud that God allowed us to touch so many kids. We were able to offer so many a "Home" even if it was just for a short while. The lesson from this story isn't how sad for us that we were separated from so many children that were close to us but that helping a child should come at any cost. That God has asked us to do so and so it shall be that we open our hearts to those innocent souls and bless them while we have the opportunity to do so. I'm thankful for the time that I was given with Sarah and the other sweet kiddos and yes I ache for them at times but there is nothing that I would not do again. So please open your heart to a child in need.

Bradley and I are planning in the future to adopt. I'm not for sure when but I know it's all on God's timing. So we are waiting and praying.

"Whoever receives a child in My name, receives Me" Matthew 18:5

Living in the Now..

So I've been told many times to "live in the now"...I always tried hard to implement this but lately it just seems to be a fact of life for me. I don't have 5min. to even really think about tomorrow. My world of endless laundry and dirty diapers seems to pretty much suck up most of my day. I remember the days when a nice bath was a nice luxury at the end of a busy day...oh, now I just think of the hassle of it all and much rather just get to bed.
I also love when people help with the advice of "the house can get cleaned tomorrow". Well, the thing is tomorrow always seems to be busier than the last. I have had to take a step back and realize that the house will really never be "cleaned" to my liking. I guess it's like we tell the kids "we get what we get and we don't throw a fit" ;-)
I often find myself jealous and frustrated with the people who have the 3 kids, clean house, and the full time job. Is it because the kids are gone from the home all day so it doesn't get as trashed? Is it because the mom spends more time cleaning than interacting with her kids? Is it because she has found the one in a million husband that actually does the housework? Or is it because I just simply don't have my act together? I find myself constantly putting down the dishes to do a puzzle with the kids. But at the same time I refuse to be the parent with the kids that can't entertain themselves. As a child my siblings and I used to play alone and actually use our imaginations. So many children these days need to be told what to play or how to play something. I watched the super nanny once and she was appalled that the mother didn't spend all day interacting with her kids. ??? I think there is a fine line and I'm always trying to balance on it but often feel I go one way or the other...I think it mainly depends on what is going on in the day and how much cleaning I need to get done.
I love working at the church the two days I volunteer but lately it seems like such a balancing act that I often struggle with. It seems like lately it gets more and more ridiculous trying to get out the door and my planning and organizational skills are falling short. Example: Cubbies by the front door for shoes and jackets. Very Helpful except when you have a 1yr. old that loves wearing other peoples shoes or a 6yr. old that is very forgetful of putting her shoes in the basket. Which leads to a daily 30min. game of "FIND THE SHOE"!!!
Or another favorite game before we leave the house of "I need to go Potty". This game is often funner if we wait for everyone to get buckled in the car but not out of the driveway...
So back to my "living in the now"...it seems to be all I can do. Being late and forgetting diapers or the all important paci will be inevitable for me. The kids will grow and new challenges will come but for now I will pray that God continues to guide me and I will continue to laugh at the dysfunction I call a LIFE. :-)

The Repercussions of "I Do"

Oh, the joys of marriage! Bradley and I will soon celebrate 11yrs. of blissful and sometimes painstaking marriage. It at times feels like "forever" and than sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that we were moving into our 1st apartment. I think we have had more up's and down's than our non approving family could have imagined but yet somehow God has given us the strength to plow through. I feel like this image that some people put out there of marriages that are full of red roses and romantic getaways is a bar that is often set a little high for some of us that are stuck in the world of mortgages and dirty diapers. I do believe that we all are capable of a little more effort but sometimes when that special anniversary rolls around and you both are so tired from the daily grind of temper tantrums, endless laundry, and that stack of bills that never gets smaller your tastes of maybe a fancy dinner out on the down is replaced with putting the kids to bed early in hopes that your comfy pj.'s were the lucky ones to get washed that day so you can crawl in bed and watch a movie next to the guy that will inevitably fall asleep 1/2 way through but not before he rolls over and bluntly asks for a special anniversary favor. I do know that this phase in our lives will end and the fancy dinners will soon return but right now it's hard not to guilt yourself into wanting what others have even though the thought of spending a few hrs. in the bathroom with makeup and hair, trying to squeeze my now ''mother of 3 body" into something that is appropriate for a kids free evening, and then sitting through dinner worrying about how the kids are doing with a sitter does not at all seem appealing. I went to a marriage seminar not long ago and they said "you must'' make time to go out on these dates. But I think some of us mothers are just a bit different after we have children and the need to flee has left our body for a time being. The thought of a childless night seems all to pleasant until the moment comes down and then I realize that ugh...I just rather not. I did much better after my older two both hit the age of 2 so maybe things will change some once Olivia gets to that age. But right now my need for my kids is overpowering. And the weird thing is I think Bradley is pretty much on the same page. I've been blessed with a husband that has not complained once for putting the needs of our kids 1st even if meant he spent way too much time sleeping on the couch so the kids could cosleep with Mommy until they were about a yr. old. And the fact that I refused to be touched the whole time I spent breastfeeding 3 kids for 3yrs. (Note: we can applaud him but do remember it was I that nursed those babies for 3yrs...and it is I that wears the battle wounds from it! ha!ha!) He knew that it was in the best interest of our kids "at that time". Even though we disagree about many things when it comes to our kids we have pretty much been on the same page.
I think that getting married when you haven't had time to really be an adult has it positives and neg.'s. Bradley and I have watched either other grown. It has been a journey to say the least. He was with me when I battled my demons and now I sit with him as he battles some of his. It is learning to lean with that person. We have both failed miserably with each other and yet we have been able to move through it and stand stronger. I pray everyday that God will see us through. Life is not mapped out and who knows what else will come our way. Just trying to manage it all becomes a task in itself.
I have moments when I just pray to get through the day and I've had moments where Brad's voice in itself can be aggravating. But then I have times where I'm overwhelmed with love for him. And I would lay next to him at night and think how lucky I am that God has brought him into my life.... and then I wake up to the noise of 3 screaming kids and the smell of his "burnt'' scrambled eggs and as I try to collect myself and walk through my bedroom without tripping on all of his dirty clothes (I'm beginning to think the concept of clothes hamper is way to much for him to grasp) it is hard for me to say "I love this man! I love this man! I love this man!" But God knows I do and luckily so does Bradley. He knows and that gives me peace.
So know that your husband will get under your skin. No two people can live together everyday and not at some point irritate each other...it's human nature. Bradley just has it down to a fine art right now. ha!ha! But you come to a point to realize what is important and what is "livable". Example: I guess I can live with the fact that he will never clean a bathroom...or that I will always come very close to a heart attack when he's driving. And I'm sure that his examples would be that he can "live" with the fact that I will never load the dishwasher correctly or that I will still ask him to go to the store to buy those dreaded personal items that will lead to him calling me from "isle 6" to ask if I want wings or scented?!
I will end this in saying that I will do everything that I can to make sure my kids grow up in a LOVING two parent house. It has been hard and I know the battles are not over. I gave the commitment to God and to him and I honor that but not without falling short at times.

But for crying out loud Bradley if you read this Please know that the whole house can not be cleaned with a bottle of kitchen counter top cleaner....or can it? ;-)

Homeschool Fraidy Cat

Ok so most of you know that my new career as a 1st grade teacher will start this coming August. My mind has yet to completely wrap around this concept that I can actually teach this child successfully and also balance a bouncing baby on one hip and some how manage to keep my very active 3yr. old content. I have been reassured that this will all fall into place and I will succeed. But it still hasn't helped from my nerves getting the better of me at times. Why is this concept so terrifying to me??? I was so worried at succeeding at motherhood and now I have succeed as a teacher? I know we teach our children everyday and we encourage them in learning but the practice of sending your kids off to be taught by people who have a degree hanging on their walls has been taking place for ages.
And can I secretly admit that the thought of having a couple of days a week with one baby while Kambry is off at school and Jack is off at preschool is BEYOND tempting!?! I can't imagine having a day where it is just me and Livy for the afternoon. Think how many Nap Parties we could have? ha!ha!
But I KNOW that this is something that Kambry needs from me right now and she needs me to be 100% dedicated to it. And I am very much excited about all the fun things we will experience together. But I just pray that when she turns 18 she won't hate me because her career at McDonalds won't support her shoe shopping habit!...just kidding!!!! I know that God has great things in store for this little girl. She will blossom into a beautiful young lady...she just needs sometime to grow.
I do want to thank Angie for all your uplifting words and your wonderful friendship that you have offered me to help me on this new journey.
I ask for my friends to pray that God continues to help me grow in my confidence in teaching this special child that he has trusted me with. I know that he will provide me with the tools I need to help her. And pray that I don't strangle Jack in the meantime! ha!ha!

Lucky?

So what does it mean to me to be "Lucky"?...It means that I get to wake up every morning to house that I think will never be clean until the last child hits '18'...it means that "no" never means no to a 3yr. old...it means that when I decide to indulge in a warm bath that I'll always be greeted with 3 children that are more than eager to play in the water and throw in any and every item that they can find...it means that when I say "just a min.'' it means go ahead and help yourself in the kitchen by pouring your own milk (half in the cup the other half on the floor)...it means that on those nights when I'm so exhausted that their will be one child that has to throw up on the floor...it means that whining will become a second language to me...it means that one child will decide to fill their diaper 15min. before Daddy gets home with something that is so potent that your gag reflex kicks in...but it also means hearing your child say "i wuv you", it means hearing "Good morning MOMMY!!" even if it's before the sun comes up, it means seeing them look at you with such adoration. So I guess you could say I'm one Lucky Lady! I love my kids and so I guess I love the challenges they bring even if at times it can bring me to my knees.

Forgiveness

First of all thanks for all the wonderful support and kind words that have been expressed to me through this blog. It once again shows me the wonderful support system that God has given me. I want to share some about the wonderful evening I had in community group tonight...it was a discussion on forgiveness. I for the first time was able to say aloud that I am able to forgive all the men that have abused me in my life. I was able to actually say their names without cringing. And it is a beautiful thing to finally release it all. I let go of the anger awhile ago but was still struggling with the full forgiveness factor but now I can say that I'm finally there. Does it mean that I forget?...No. They are my memories that will always be there but it means I'm no longer the "victim"...that the bondage of shame and and resentment that I carried is set free and therefor I am free.
"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,... for He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name."

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
—Colossians 3:12-13
Forgiveness is a powerful word. I can say Richard I forgive you for beating my mother, Doyle I forgive you for beating me and my siblings, Kent I forgive you for taking my mother away and leaving us 4 little children at home alone for days, Marcus for molesting me and my sisters for torchering us with your mind games of manipulation, I forgive you Rick for filling our lives with your addictions, I forgive you Randy for controlling us and belittling us in away that left us feeling so alone and inadequate, I forgive my father for the abandonment and lies, and I forgive my mother for feeling so lost and alone and for not helping herself so that she could help us.

Thank you to my church family for showing me another way to live and love. Thank you for showing me the true power of God's grace. It has healed my heart in a way that I never could have imagined. I pray that I someday can pay it forward and lead others struggling with the same shame and guilt to a place that will not just heal them but SAVE them. And Last I pray for anyone who has ever touched someone that they love in a way that has left them in pain. I pray that you see the power of your ways and the hurt that you will leave and I pray that you too will fill your life with God's love and know that you the "abuser" are also a child of God and you are also loved by Him.

From the Beginning

So I begin. To start off let me just say I know that I usually am full of humorous rants and raves and don't get me wrong...we will get there! but to start off I would like to share some of what has brought me to where I am.
I was the 2nd child of 4 born to a beautiful 19yr. old mother. My parents divorced when I was four because my father was sentenced and served over 10yrs. in prison for one of the largest drug busts that South Dakota has ever seen. Being a young mother of 4 divorced by the age of 24 and left without a penny and no education she decided that the only hope she had was to find a "man". This decision would be the decision that would essentially turn our lives upside down. Let's start off with man # 1...an alcoholic that I really believe got enjoyment out of beating us. This man was pure evil. His beatings were seldom out of rage and most of the time he had this evil smirk on his face a smirk of enjoyment and pleasure. I saw him kick my older brother (who was 6) over and over until I thought he was going to die. I saw him backhand my baby sister time and time again.(she was 2). During the few yrs. my mother was with him I had my tonsils out...I remember sitting on the couch sucking on a popsicle while I rested my head on my mother...and then he came home..he said "I wasn't special and I should eat dinner like the rest of them". So I sat at the table crying in pain for about an hour after supper ended trying to swallow my dinner. My mother also sat at the table with tears running down her face "supervising me" as she was told to do. Thankfully, shortly after this the relationship ended and we moved on to one boyfriend after another. Some would beat us others would beat her. We moved in and out of my grandmother's house. I don't think we lived in a place for more than a year. Between boyfriends my mother would reunite with an old highschool friend who lived in the city. We would always be so excited to go and see him because he would take us to so many wonderful fun places. He always had new toys and games for us...and of course their was a trade off...this man would eventually be the one that would molest me and my little sisters from the time I was about 6 to 10. We never said a word to my mother..not even a hint. She was so happy and he was so nice to her. But she eventually settled into another long relationship with another alcoholic who beat her time and time again. One day he talked her into moving to New Mexico...he left 1st to find a job (seeing he hadn't had one since he moved in with us...you would think that would've been a red flag) he told her to sell everything and send him the money and he would set everything up for our arrival..so she did...and she never heard from him again. So here we were broke, with no furniture, and soon to be evicted from another house, and then an older man shows up at our house. He starts to come over everyday. He tells my mom about a camper trailer (and when I mean camper...I mean teeny tiny fold down bunks camper trailer) outside of town that he can have rented out to her. So after about 10yrs. on welfare my mother decided to get a job and move again. She was working nights so this new man...Randy would stay with us.. They later decided to get married. Why?! I don't think anyone knows. They were like oil and water. Nothing in common except Randy was older and wanted a family and my mom had one...and I guess her perk was someone to help pay the bills. They were married for over ten yrs. and this man not one time showed us kids one ounce of affection. He never said he loved us. He did on the other hand measure our water for baths, time our showers, strip away the privilege of AC or heat if we forgot to close our air vents in our room.."Controlling" was an understatement! I think he reminded me everyday on how "stupid'' he thought I was and what a "loser" I was. Needless to say I spent my teenage years filled with anxiety and anchored down by my insecurities. And one day I met this cocky arrogant boy who changed my world. After 15yrs. of never seeing good in any man that I came to know...I met this boy who decided to hold my hand for the rest of my life. And needless to say he rescued me. Later he joined the Marines and we were married by the time I finished highschool. My mother was the only one who didn't cristisise this decision. She was just as in love with this boy who she knew had the best heart. (During this time my mother finally became my "Mother"!)
So into our first year of marriage Bradley was a handsome soldier and I was struggling trying to make sense out of this new life. And then one day I was asked by a friend to watch this beautiful 3month old baby girl who captured our hearts and wound up spending the next year of her life with us. We became "Mom'' and ''Dad". She was our everything. We did everything from taking her to Seaworld, to sick nights in the E.R., to coaching her 1st steps...and then came Nov. We got news that Brad was being sent to Japan for 7months, a wk. later my mother called and told me she had cancer and i was needed back home to care for her, and then our beautiful baby girl was taken from us and she went back to live with her bio mother. Her cries for "mommy" as I walked away will haunt me forever. All I can say about the next 7 months is "I managed". Once my Mom was cancer free I was back in CA in our new home trying to conceive a baby of our own to fill this horrible void. It didn't work after a year we decided to adopt again... and it didn't work. After 4yrs. of failed adoptions and neg. pregnancy tests we finally were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. My mother was there and it was a miraculous time even though the next few years of Kambry's life was trying. She was so sick. We went from one Dr. to another with no real answers of what was wrong. And the worst news yet...when Kambry was a year old my mother (age 43) was told her cancer was back. I immediately went to her. We started chemo again but finally realized it wasn't to help cure her but to "slow things down". The news came in Feb. and she was gone by May. I remember finding out in OKC that it was terminal. She was laying in her hospital bed...and i threw myself on the bed sobbing "Please Mom don't Die!! You can't Die!!" she grabbed me and said she was So Sorry that she didn't want to leave us...she didn't want to die. That is the only time she would ever bring up "dying'' again. Soon after that we left the hospital on her request to go back to her home in rural Oklahoma. She had no insurance and only received help from hospice once a wk. So Kambry and I moved in to be with her. I was there to take care of her, to love her, to support her, and to watch her die in a way that no human should ever have to. I had to be the nurse and the daughter. I was put in a position to have to argue with her over her shortage of expensive pain med.'s and I was the one forced to strip her of her dignity by having to clean her. But not once did this woman complain even with all of the pain that she was in. I cried every night for her strength. And then it ended. She was alive and then she was gone.
So after a year or so of having her gone I decided that I need some answers. Let me back track and say that religion to me at this point was full of judgements and rules. It was not a "welcome" place. It provided me with no sense of security or hope. I was raised in a church that was by no means a place of comfort for me or Bradley. We decided to take the big step and start looking for a new church. This did not come without it's consequences. Members of my family have not supported this decision and have pretty much done the opposite. And one day we came across a church that was recommended by a neighbor. It was so far from the church that I was raised in that the 1st time I went...I whispered to Bradley that it would be our last! And then in the car ride home after service my 3yr. old daughter was sharing all that she had learned and I knew something about that place was worth trying again. So we started attending reg. still unsure about the decision. Until a yr. later in Oct. our daughter started to have seizures, by Nov. our then 1yr. old son Jack started with ambulance trips to the hospital running 108 temps. and then our baby girl was born 1month later premature. And never in my whole life have I ever received so much love and support than I did during that time. You would think that would've been one of the worst times of my life and it was the opposite. This church filled me with so much hope and faith in our Father that I knew he would see us through. When Jack was in the hospital we had no idea what was wrong. We didn't know if he was contagious and yet one day this lovely lady from church came and sat with me and prayed with me and all I could do was sob. Who was she to come and take time to pray with me and this very sick little boy?...she was a child of God. How amazing and from that day on...I knew what I wanted to be. I will serve the Lord and Praise His Name for He Has SAVED ME!!!! And It All Made Sense!!! I am now prepared to devote my life in raising these children that I've been so blessed with to be servants of God. To Love Him and Know Him!! I think so many people believe mothering is something that you "have" to do until they are 18 crossing your fingers that you do the best. And I know it's so much more. I WILL do better for my kids than my own mother because I KNOW better. Does that make me Perfect? No...but it does make me aware of the decisions that I make and how they will affect my kids. They are my greatest joy and they are the greatest challenges that I've had to face. But Thank You God for trusting me with them.
Ok, so I know this is more of a novel than a blog but I guess you could say it's good therapy. ;-) And I just pray that one person can hear my story and know that after all the trials I've faced in my life I'm here today with no anger in my heart...Happy and so in love with my God that has saved me and blessed me so.
Thank you for my wonderful Church, my wonderful friends, my family, and My God!
P.S. I have had one other constant in my life..a dear friend from California. She has had some struggles in her life and shares so much with me and I pray for her...and I pray that she finds a church family. I Love You!