Sunday, May 17, 2009
Lucky?
So what does it mean to me to be "Lucky"?...It means that I get to wake up every morning to house that I think will never be clean until the last child hits '18'...it means that "no" never means no to a 3yr. old...it means that when I decide to indulge in a warm bath that I'll always be greeted with 3 children that are more than eager to play in the water and throw in any and every item that they can find...it means that when I say "just a min.'' it means go ahead and help yourself in the kitchen by pouring your own milk (half in the cup the other half on the floor)...it means that on those nights when I'm so exhausted that their will be one child that has to throw up on the floor...it means that whining will become a second language to me...it means that one child will decide to fill their diaper 15min. before Daddy gets home with something that is so potent that your gag reflex kicks in...but it also means hearing your child say "i wuv you", it means hearing "Good morning MOMMY!!" even if it's before the sun comes up, it means seeing them look at you with such adoration. So I guess you could say I'm one Lucky Lady! I love my kids and so I guess I love the challenges they bring even if at times it can bring me to my knees.
Forgiveness
First of all thanks for all the wonderful support and kind words that have been expressed to me through this blog. It once again shows me the wonderful support system that God has given me. I want to share some about the wonderful evening I had in community group tonight...it was a discussion on forgiveness. I for the first time was able to say aloud that I am able to forgive all the men that have abused me in my life. I was able to actually say their names without cringing. And it is a beautiful thing to finally release it all. I let go of the anger awhile ago but was still struggling with the full forgiveness factor but now I can say that I'm finally there. Does it mean that I forget?...No. They are my memories that will always be there but it means I'm no longer the "victim"...that the bondage of shame and and resentment that I carried is set free and therefor I am free.
"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,... for He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name."
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
—Colossians 3:12-13
Forgiveness is a powerful word. I can say Richard I forgive you for beating my mother, Doyle I forgive you for beating me and my siblings, Kent I forgive you for taking my mother away and leaving us 4 little children at home alone for days, Marcus for molesting me and my sisters for torchering us with your mind games of manipulation, I forgive you Rick for filling our lives with your addictions, I forgive you Randy for controlling us and belittling us in away that left us feeling so alone and inadequate, I forgive my father for the abandonment and lies, and I forgive my mother for feeling so lost and alone and for not helping herself so that she could help us.
Thank you to my church family for showing me another way to live and love. Thank you for showing me the true power of God's grace. It has healed my heart in a way that I never could have imagined. I pray that I someday can pay it forward and lead others struggling with the same shame and guilt to a place that will not just heal them but SAVE them. And Last I pray for anyone who has ever touched someone that they love in a way that has left them in pain. I pray that you see the power of your ways and the hurt that you will leave and I pray that you too will fill your life with God's love and know that you the "abuser" are also a child of God and you are also loved by Him.
"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,... for He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name."
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
—Colossians 3:12-13
Forgiveness is a powerful word. I can say Richard I forgive you for beating my mother, Doyle I forgive you for beating me and my siblings, Kent I forgive you for taking my mother away and leaving us 4 little children at home alone for days, Marcus for molesting me and my sisters for torchering us with your mind games of manipulation, I forgive you Rick for filling our lives with your addictions, I forgive you Randy for controlling us and belittling us in away that left us feeling so alone and inadequate, I forgive my father for the abandonment and lies, and I forgive my mother for feeling so lost and alone and for not helping herself so that she could help us.
Thank you to my church family for showing me another way to live and love. Thank you for showing me the true power of God's grace. It has healed my heart in a way that I never could have imagined. I pray that I someday can pay it forward and lead others struggling with the same shame and guilt to a place that will not just heal them but SAVE them. And Last I pray for anyone who has ever touched someone that they love in a way that has left them in pain. I pray that you see the power of your ways and the hurt that you will leave and I pray that you too will fill your life with God's love and know that you the "abuser" are also a child of God and you are also loved by Him.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
From the Beginning
So I begin. To start off let me just say I know that I usually am full of humorous rants and raves and don't get me wrong...we will get there! but to start off I would like to share some of what has brought me to where I am.
I was the 2nd child of 4 born to a beautiful 19yr. old mother. My parents divorced when I was four because my father was sentenced and served over 10yrs. in prison for one of the largest drug busts that South Dakota has ever seen. Being a young mother of 4 divorced by the age of 24 and left without a penny and no education she decided that the only hope she had was to find a "man". This decision would be the decision that would essentially turn our lives upside down. Let's start off with man # 1...an alcoholic that I really believe got enjoyment out of beating us. This man was pure evil. His beatings were seldom out of rage and most of the time he had this evil smirk on his face a smirk of enjoyment and pleasure. I saw him kick my older brother (who was 6) over and over until I thought he was going to die. I saw him backhand my baby sister time and time again.(she was 2). During the few yrs. my mother was with him I had my tonsils out...I remember sitting on the couch sucking on a popsicle while I rested my head on my mother...and then he came home..he said "I wasn't special and I should eat dinner like the rest of them". So I sat at the table crying in pain for about an hour after supper ended trying to swallow my dinner. My mother also sat at the table with tears running down her face "supervising me" as she was told to do. Thankfully, shortly after this the relationship ended and we moved on to one boyfriend after another. Some would beat us others would beat her. We moved in and out of my grandmother's house. I don't think we lived in a place for more than a year. Between boyfriends my mother would reunite with an old highschool friend who lived in the city. We would always be so excited to go and see him because he would take us to so many wonderful fun places. He always had new toys and games for us...and of course their was a trade off...this man would eventually be the one that would molest me and my little sisters from the time I was about 6 to 10. We never said a word to my mother..not even a hint. She was so happy and he was so nice to her. But she eventually settled into another long relationship with another alcoholic who beat her time and time again. One day he talked her into moving to New Mexico...he left 1st to find a job (seeing he hadn't had one since he moved in with us...you would think that would've been a red flag) he told her to sell everything and send him the money and he would set everything up for our arrival..so she did...and she never heard from him again. So here we were broke, with no furniture, and soon to be evicted from another house, and then an older man shows up at our house. He starts to come over everyday. He tells my mom about a camper trailer (and when I mean camper...I mean teeny tiny fold down bunks camper trailer) outside of town that he can have rented out to her. So after about 10yrs. on welfare my mother decided to get a job and move again. She was working nights so this new man...Randy would stay with us.. They later decided to get married. Why?! I don't think anyone knows. They were like oil and water. Nothing in common except Randy was older and wanted a family and my mom had one...and I guess her perk was someone to help pay the bills. They were married for over ten yrs. and this man not one time showed us kids one ounce of affection. He never said he loved us. He did on the other hand measure our water for baths, time our showers, strip away the privilege of AC or heat if we forgot to close our air vents in our room.."Controlling" was an understatement! I think he reminded me everyday on how "stupid'' he thought I was and what a "loser" I was. Needless to say I spent my teenage years filled with anxiety and anchored down by my insecurities. And one day I met this cocky arrogant boy who changed my world. After 15yrs. of never seeing good in any man that I came to know...I met this boy who decided to hold my hand for the rest of my life. And needless to say he rescued me. Later he joined the Marines and we were married by the time I finished highschool. My mother was the only one who didn't cristisise this decision. She was just as in love with this boy who she knew had the best heart. (During this time my mother finally became my "Mother"!)
So into our first year of marriage Bradley was a handsome soldier and I was struggling trying to make sense out of this new life. And then one day I was asked by a friend to watch this beautiful 3month old baby girl who captured our hearts and wound up spending the next year of her life with us. We became "Mom'' and ''Dad". She was our everything. We did everything from taking her to Seaworld, to sick nights in the E.R., to coaching her 1st steps...and then came Nov. We got news that Brad was being sent to Japan for 7months, a wk. later my mother called and told me she had cancer and i was needed back home to care for her, and then our beautiful baby girl was taken from us and she went back to live with her bio mother. Her cries for "mommy" as I walked away will haunt me forever. All I can say about the next 7 months is "I managed". Once my Mom was cancer free I was back in CA in our new home trying to conceive a baby of our own to fill this horrible void. It didn't work after a year we decided to adopt again... and it didn't work. After 4yrs. of failed adoptions and neg. pregnancy tests we finally were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. My mother was there and it was a miraculous time even though the next few years of Kambry's life was trying. She was so sick. We went from one Dr. to another with no real answers of what was wrong. And the worst news yet...when Kambry was a year old my mother (age 43) was told her cancer was back. I immediately went to her. We started chemo again but finally realized it wasn't to help cure her but to "slow things down". The news came in Feb. and she was gone by May. I remember finding out in OKC that it was terminal. She was laying in her hospital bed...and i threw myself on the bed sobbing "Please Mom don't Die!! You can't Die!!" she grabbed me and said she was So Sorry that she didn't want to leave us...she didn't want to die. That is the only time she would ever bring up "dying'' again. Soon after that we left the hospital on her request to go back to her home in rural Oklahoma. She had no insurance and only received help from hospice once a wk. So Kambry and I moved in to be with her. I was there to take care of her, to love her, to support her, and to watch her die in a way that no human should ever have to. I had to be the nurse and the daughter. I was put in a position to have to argue with her over her shortage of expensive pain med.'s and I was the one forced to strip her of her dignity by having to clean her. But not once did this woman complain even with all of the pain that she was in. I cried every night for her strength. And then it ended. She was alive and then she was gone.
So after a year or so of having her gone I decided that I need some answers. Let me back track and say that religion to me at this point was full of judgements and rules. It was not a "welcome" place. It provided me with no sense of security or hope. I was raised in a church that was by no means a place of comfort for me or Bradley. We decided to take the big step and start looking for a new church. This did not come without it's consequences. Members of my family have not supported this decision and have pretty much done the opposite. And one day we came across a church that was recommended by a neighbor. It was so far from the church that I was raised in that the 1st time I went...I whispered to Bradley that it would be our last! And then in the car ride home after service my 3yr. old daughter was sharing all that she had learned and I knew something about that place was worth trying again. So we started attending reg. still unsure about the decision. Until a yr. later in Oct. our daughter started to have seizures, by Nov. our then 1yr. old son Jack started with ambulance trips to the hospital running 108 temps. and then our baby girl was born 1month later premature. And never in my whole life have I ever received so much love and support than I did during that time. You would think that would've been one of the worst times of my life and it was the opposite. This church filled me with so much hope and faith in our Father that I knew he would see us through. When Jack was in the hospital we had no idea what was wrong. We didn't know if he was contagious and yet one day this lovely lady from church came and sat with me and prayed with me and all I could do was sob. Who was she to come and take time to pray with me and this very sick little boy?...she was a child of God. How amazing and from that day on...I knew what I wanted to be. I will serve the Lord and Praise His Name for He Has SAVED ME!!!! And It All Made Sense!!! I am now prepared to devote my life in raising these children that I've been so blessed with to be servants of God. To Love Him and Know Him!! I think so many people believe mothering is something that you "have" to do until they are 18 crossing your fingers that you do the best. And I know it's so much more. I WILL do better for my kids than my own mother because I KNOW better. Does that make me Perfect? No...but it does make me aware of the decisions that I make and how they will affect my kids. They are my greatest joy and they are the greatest challenges that I've had to face. But Thank You God for trusting me with them.
Ok, so I know this is more of a novel than a blog but I guess you could say it's good therapy. ;-) And I just pray that one person can hear my story and know that after all the trials I've faced in my life I'm here today with no anger in my heart...Happy and so in love with my God that has saved me and blessed me so.
Thank you for my wonderful Church, my wonderful friends, my family, and My God!
P.S. I have had one other constant in my life..a dear friend from California. She has had some struggles in her life and shares so much with me and I pray for her...and I pray that she finds a church family. I Love You!
I was the 2nd child of 4 born to a beautiful 19yr. old mother. My parents divorced when I was four because my father was sentenced and served over 10yrs. in prison for one of the largest drug busts that South Dakota has ever seen. Being a young mother of 4 divorced by the age of 24 and left without a penny and no education she decided that the only hope she had was to find a "man". This decision would be the decision that would essentially turn our lives upside down. Let's start off with man # 1...an alcoholic that I really believe got enjoyment out of beating us. This man was pure evil. His beatings were seldom out of rage and most of the time he had this evil smirk on his face a smirk of enjoyment and pleasure. I saw him kick my older brother (who was 6) over and over until I thought he was going to die. I saw him backhand my baby sister time and time again.(she was 2). During the few yrs. my mother was with him I had my tonsils out...I remember sitting on the couch sucking on a popsicle while I rested my head on my mother...and then he came home..he said "I wasn't special and I should eat dinner like the rest of them". So I sat at the table crying in pain for about an hour after supper ended trying to swallow my dinner. My mother also sat at the table with tears running down her face "supervising me" as she was told to do. Thankfully, shortly after this the relationship ended and we moved on to one boyfriend after another. Some would beat us others would beat her. We moved in and out of my grandmother's house. I don't think we lived in a place for more than a year. Between boyfriends my mother would reunite with an old highschool friend who lived in the city. We would always be so excited to go and see him because he would take us to so many wonderful fun places. He always had new toys and games for us...and of course their was a trade off...this man would eventually be the one that would molest me and my little sisters from the time I was about 6 to 10. We never said a word to my mother..not even a hint. She was so happy and he was so nice to her. But she eventually settled into another long relationship with another alcoholic who beat her time and time again. One day he talked her into moving to New Mexico...he left 1st to find a job (seeing he hadn't had one since he moved in with us...you would think that would've been a red flag) he told her to sell everything and send him the money and he would set everything up for our arrival..so she did...and she never heard from him again. So here we were broke, with no furniture, and soon to be evicted from another house, and then an older man shows up at our house. He starts to come over everyday. He tells my mom about a camper trailer (and when I mean camper...I mean teeny tiny fold down bunks camper trailer) outside of town that he can have rented out to her. So after about 10yrs. on welfare my mother decided to get a job and move again. She was working nights so this new man...Randy would stay with us.. They later decided to get married. Why?! I don't think anyone knows. They were like oil and water. Nothing in common except Randy was older and wanted a family and my mom had one...and I guess her perk was someone to help pay the bills. They were married for over ten yrs. and this man not one time showed us kids one ounce of affection. He never said he loved us. He did on the other hand measure our water for baths, time our showers, strip away the privilege of AC or heat if we forgot to close our air vents in our room.."Controlling" was an understatement! I think he reminded me everyday on how "stupid'' he thought I was and what a "loser" I was. Needless to say I spent my teenage years filled with anxiety and anchored down by my insecurities. And one day I met this cocky arrogant boy who changed my world. After 15yrs. of never seeing good in any man that I came to know...I met this boy who decided to hold my hand for the rest of my life. And needless to say he rescued me. Later he joined the Marines and we were married by the time I finished highschool. My mother was the only one who didn't cristisise this decision. She was just as in love with this boy who she knew had the best heart. (During this time my mother finally became my "Mother"!)
So into our first year of marriage Bradley was a handsome soldier and I was struggling trying to make sense out of this new life. And then one day I was asked by a friend to watch this beautiful 3month old baby girl who captured our hearts and wound up spending the next year of her life with us. We became "Mom'' and ''Dad". She was our everything. We did everything from taking her to Seaworld, to sick nights in the E.R., to coaching her 1st steps...and then came Nov. We got news that Brad was being sent to Japan for 7months, a wk. later my mother called and told me she had cancer and i was needed back home to care for her, and then our beautiful baby girl was taken from us and she went back to live with her bio mother. Her cries for "mommy" as I walked away will haunt me forever. All I can say about the next 7 months is "I managed". Once my Mom was cancer free I was back in CA in our new home trying to conceive a baby of our own to fill this horrible void. It didn't work after a year we decided to adopt again... and it didn't work. After 4yrs. of failed adoptions and neg. pregnancy tests we finally were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. My mother was there and it was a miraculous time even though the next few years of Kambry's life was trying. She was so sick. We went from one Dr. to another with no real answers of what was wrong. And the worst news yet...when Kambry was a year old my mother (age 43) was told her cancer was back. I immediately went to her. We started chemo again but finally realized it wasn't to help cure her but to "slow things down". The news came in Feb. and she was gone by May. I remember finding out in OKC that it was terminal. She was laying in her hospital bed...and i threw myself on the bed sobbing "Please Mom don't Die!! You can't Die!!" she grabbed me and said she was So Sorry that she didn't want to leave us...she didn't want to die. That is the only time she would ever bring up "dying'' again. Soon after that we left the hospital on her request to go back to her home in rural Oklahoma. She had no insurance and only received help from hospice once a wk. So Kambry and I moved in to be with her. I was there to take care of her, to love her, to support her, and to watch her die in a way that no human should ever have to. I had to be the nurse and the daughter. I was put in a position to have to argue with her over her shortage of expensive pain med.'s and I was the one forced to strip her of her dignity by having to clean her. But not once did this woman complain even with all of the pain that she was in. I cried every night for her strength. And then it ended. She was alive and then she was gone.
So after a year or so of having her gone I decided that I need some answers. Let me back track and say that religion to me at this point was full of judgements and rules. It was not a "welcome" place. It provided me with no sense of security or hope. I was raised in a church that was by no means a place of comfort for me or Bradley. We decided to take the big step and start looking for a new church. This did not come without it's consequences. Members of my family have not supported this decision and have pretty much done the opposite. And one day we came across a church that was recommended by a neighbor. It was so far from the church that I was raised in that the 1st time I went...I whispered to Bradley that it would be our last! And then in the car ride home after service my 3yr. old daughter was sharing all that she had learned and I knew something about that place was worth trying again. So we started attending reg. still unsure about the decision. Until a yr. later in Oct. our daughter started to have seizures, by Nov. our then 1yr. old son Jack started with ambulance trips to the hospital running 108 temps. and then our baby girl was born 1month later premature. And never in my whole life have I ever received so much love and support than I did during that time. You would think that would've been one of the worst times of my life and it was the opposite. This church filled me with so much hope and faith in our Father that I knew he would see us through. When Jack was in the hospital we had no idea what was wrong. We didn't know if he was contagious and yet one day this lovely lady from church came and sat with me and prayed with me and all I could do was sob. Who was she to come and take time to pray with me and this very sick little boy?...she was a child of God. How amazing and from that day on...I knew what I wanted to be. I will serve the Lord and Praise His Name for He Has SAVED ME!!!! And It All Made Sense!!! I am now prepared to devote my life in raising these children that I've been so blessed with to be servants of God. To Love Him and Know Him!! I think so many people believe mothering is something that you "have" to do until they are 18 crossing your fingers that you do the best. And I know it's so much more. I WILL do better for my kids than my own mother because I KNOW better. Does that make me Perfect? No...but it does make me aware of the decisions that I make and how they will affect my kids. They are my greatest joy and they are the greatest challenges that I've had to face. But Thank You God for trusting me with them.
Ok, so I know this is more of a novel than a blog but I guess you could say it's good therapy. ;-) And I just pray that one person can hear my story and know that after all the trials I've faced in my life I'm here today with no anger in my heart...Happy and so in love with my God that has saved me and blessed me so.
Thank you for my wonderful Church, my wonderful friends, my family, and My God!
P.S. I have had one other constant in my life..a dear friend from California. She has had some struggles in her life and shares so much with me and I pray for her...and I pray that she finds a church family. I Love You!
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