Revolving Relationships

Relationships may come and go but family is forever...or is it? I often find myself reevaluating my relationships with my friends and family. I was raised to believe that family is #1 and there is no way around that. You must stay together and battle out what differences you may have.
So now as an adult I would like to teach my children that it is a natural process for people to come and go from your life whether they be mentors, friends, or even family. That as parents you must choose wisely the inner circle that you want to influence your children. If you surround yourself with people just because you love them...your children will also be encouraged to form the same bond and it may not be a bond that is at all beneficial in fact it may just be the opposite. Children are too impressionable for this to not be taken seriously.
For so many years I thrived on pleasing others especially my family! I wanted to prove to them that I could be a person worth loving. It often backfired on me and I was often called "Miss Perfect" or "Princess" but not in a good way! ;-) It drove me crazy because I knew I was the last person on Earth who would be portrayed as "perfect". I struggled with so many inner demons and a complete lack of self esteem but yet I knew that I needed to be "good". That I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to escape a life that was filled with so much abuse and pain. Lord, I wanted to be FREE!
But now I know there is only ONE that I need to please and that is my Savior. My Great and Wonderful God that has seen me through Hell and Back! He continues to walk with me as I face more struggles in my life. And I am constantly reminding myself to trust him.
This brings me back to my own mother's struggles . Knowing that her peace has finally come has calmed my heart. My greatest fear in life is that I would be taken early and my children would not have such peace. That my "family" would not be able to share this message that God has laid with me. I see my sisters and brother struggle with my mother's death and it saddens me to no end. I miss my mother dearly and I would do anything to curl up next to her and listen to her infectious laugh. I have had days where I find myself curled up sobbing on the floor of my shower crying out for her... but yet I have peace in knowing where she is. It has only been a few days since I laid sobbing at her grave and as I finished wiping the dust from it...I found myself filled with her "love". Like she was embracing me and telling me that it is ok. And so I left eagerly wanting to pass my overwhelmed heart into my children. She is with me...God would never "take" her from me.
This same trip brought upon many interesting experiences. I found myself reconnecting with my Grandmother as I finally feel that she may be willing to accept "my" love for our Father. (In which I mean accepting the way I worship him.) So as one relationship starts to rebirth itself I found myself completely severing another one...a sister that can't escape the awful grips of our past. My mother's dying wish to me was to keep our "family" together. She said "Kerri, Please...I know you can do it. Please keep everyone close." With this she meant my brother and two sisters. As someone who lives to please...I could never imagine failing this last wish. But God has taken me on a different path and peace is with me in knowing that my heart is ALWAYS open to her. My relationship with her will be in praying for her...she doesn't "need" me she "needs" HIM!
Everyone needs a support system. This may be family.. this may be friends. Mine right now is a little of both. My church has been the one that has helped lead me out of darkness. And as I find myself with so many new struggles I am clear on the ones that will help walk with me and offer me grace and comfort.
I am not saying that if you have an argument with a loved one you should cut them off but don't feel guilted into a relationship with someone because of a last name or because of a church affiliation. Be with people that you Love or the people that God has lead you to Love. Do not be a codependent...let me try and "save" you person. Leave that up to the one that gave His Life to do so. I still find myself struggling with that one but it is becoming clearer. God wants you to help others but in a way that is good and holy.
As for you mothers please think about what you want your kids to know and the power of others influence in their lives. Remember that your sons can be Godly Men if you surround them with Godly Men. Your daughters can feel secure in their beauty and know that they are Lovely. Give them the opportunity to live a life that is full of Faith and Trust. How awesome would it have been for me to know that I WAS loved when I was being beaten or when I felt my world crumbling as my mother struggled for breathe. My kids will not be "raised" in a church. They will learn to live life through what they learn in church.
I am breaking free from all that I know so that I can Know something that is much truer.
Pray for me on this journey and I hope that you can be honest with yourself in knowing what God has intended. Love your family and embrace them but don't let them take away from knowing yourself and in knowing the true love of our Heavenly Father.