Revolving Relationships

Relationships may come and go but family is forever...or is it? I often find myself reevaluating my relationships with my friends and family. I was raised to believe that family is #1 and there is no way around that. You must stay together and battle out what differences you may have.
So now as an adult I would like to teach my children that it is a natural process for people to come and go from your life whether they be mentors, friends, or even family. That as parents you must choose wisely the inner circle that you want to influence your children. If you surround yourself with people just because you love them...your children will also be encouraged to form the same bond and it may not be a bond that is at all beneficial in fact it may just be the opposite. Children are too impressionable for this to not be taken seriously.
For so many years I thrived on pleasing others especially my family! I wanted to prove to them that I could be a person worth loving. It often backfired on me and I was often called "Miss Perfect" or "Princess" but not in a good way! ;-) It drove me crazy because I knew I was the last person on Earth who would be portrayed as "perfect". I struggled with so many inner demons and a complete lack of self esteem but yet I knew that I needed to be "good". That I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to escape a life that was filled with so much abuse and pain. Lord, I wanted to be FREE!
But now I know there is only ONE that I need to please and that is my Savior. My Great and Wonderful God that has seen me through Hell and Back! He continues to walk with me as I face more struggles in my life. And I am constantly reminding myself to trust him.
This brings me back to my own mother's struggles . Knowing that her peace has finally come has calmed my heart. My greatest fear in life is that I would be taken early and my children would not have such peace. That my "family" would not be able to share this message that God has laid with me. I see my sisters and brother struggle with my mother's death and it saddens me to no end. I miss my mother dearly and I would do anything to curl up next to her and listen to her infectious laugh. I have had days where I find myself curled up sobbing on the floor of my shower crying out for her... but yet I have peace in knowing where she is. It has only been a few days since I laid sobbing at her grave and as I finished wiping the dust from it...I found myself filled with her "love". Like she was embracing me and telling me that it is ok. And so I left eagerly wanting to pass my overwhelmed heart into my children. She is with me...God would never "take" her from me.
This same trip brought upon many interesting experiences. I found myself reconnecting with my Grandmother as I finally feel that she may be willing to accept "my" love for our Father. (In which I mean accepting the way I worship him.) So as one relationship starts to rebirth itself I found myself completely severing another one...a sister that can't escape the awful grips of our past. My mother's dying wish to me was to keep our "family" together. She said "Kerri, Please...I know you can do it. Please keep everyone close." With this she meant my brother and two sisters. As someone who lives to please...I could never imagine failing this last wish. But God has taken me on a different path and peace is with me in knowing that my heart is ALWAYS open to her. My relationship with her will be in praying for her...she doesn't "need" me she "needs" HIM!
Everyone needs a support system. This may be family.. this may be friends. Mine right now is a little of both. My church has been the one that has helped lead me out of darkness. And as I find myself with so many new struggles I am clear on the ones that will help walk with me and offer me grace and comfort.
I am not saying that if you have an argument with a loved one you should cut them off but don't feel guilted into a relationship with someone because of a last name or because of a church affiliation. Be with people that you Love or the people that God has lead you to Love. Do not be a codependent...let me try and "save" you person. Leave that up to the one that gave His Life to do so. I still find myself struggling with that one but it is becoming clearer. God wants you to help others but in a way that is good and holy.
As for you mothers please think about what you want your kids to know and the power of others influence in their lives. Remember that your sons can be Godly Men if you surround them with Godly Men. Your daughters can feel secure in their beauty and know that they are Lovely. Give them the opportunity to live a life that is full of Faith and Trust. How awesome would it have been for me to know that I WAS loved when I was being beaten or when I felt my world crumbling as my mother struggled for breathe. My kids will not be "raised" in a church. They will learn to live life through what they learn in church.
I am breaking free from all that I know so that I can Know something that is much truer.
Pray for me on this journey and I hope that you can be honest with yourself in knowing what God has intended. Love your family and embrace them but don't let them take away from knowing yourself and in knowing the true love of our Heavenly Father.

Who's The Maid?

Question: How many chores if any are appropriate for you children?

I often ask myself this question and I think I'm pretty clear now where I stand even though I still find myself struggling with the follow through. I can't do it all and I shouldn't have to! But I think for some reason in this day and time we don't expect our kids to help around the house or even pick up after themselves. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. We also find that we limit so much of what our kids do and forget that they are more capable than we think. Kambry has been making her bed, cleaning her room, and clearing the table for awhile now and has recently been sorting all the kids' laundry. A few days ago I noticed that the girls were changing their clothes twice a day and the laundry was growing more and more ridiculous so I gave up...I provided the 6yr. old and the 5yr. old with a stool and showed them how to work the washer and dryer and let them have at it. THEY DID 3 Loads!! So I glady helped them fold and put it away. So why stop there I thought. They are now in charge of emptying the upstairs trash. I figure if they can help do these things at least once a week this will help me greatly and teach them to practice obedience.
Now I've still had my days were I've noticed every room in the house littered with toys and scattered with things that just shouldn't be....toothbrushes in the kitchen, a make shift tent set up in my closet, a donut on the floor. And I find steam coming out of my ears and my voice growing at least 3 octaves higher than God meant it to be. The destruction's seems to happen so fast.
I asked Jack to pick up his cars the other day. He said "I no want to Mommy. You do it!" I replied with "Jack I'm not the maid!" So he went and fetched me the broom and said "Here you go Mommy, now you the maid!". I didn't know whether to laugh or to swat him with it. ;-)
Everyday we come home and Olivia takes her shoes off and goes and places them in her cubby. (now this means that she also has to dig all the stuff out of everyone else's cubby!)but the point is that she's trying to be obedient and be helpful and she's only 18months. She also places all her dirty clothes in her hamper in her room without even being told.
Our children can help.. it's whether we take the time to teach them and encourage them to be good servants. I don't expect them to spend their days cleaning house or being "Cinderella" by any means. They have their days when they are all about helping and other days when it's like pulling teeth and I just want to cave and do it myself. I'm sure this is just a testament to my obedience. God has given me these children so that I may teach them....if I cave what do they learn?
A good household scripture:
"Do all things without murmurings and disputings." Phillipines 2:14

To The Daughter That We Miss

So I would like to share a letter to the 1st child Bradley and I ever loved as our own. She was all of three months old when we met her. So tiny and so sweet. She had a head full of soft brown hair and the biggest blue eyes. She melted our hearts instantly. I have mentioned her in a recent blog but here is more of the story.

One day I get a call from a friend asking if I could watch a friend of her's baby. So they bring this baby over and the mother was pregnant with her 4th child and was going to have an amnio done. She had some complications from the procedure and so we agreed to keep the baby over night...well that overnight turned into about a year. We later discovered the mother suffered from some mental illnesses and was really unstable to take care of our little Sarah...so we joyfully did.

We experienced her 1st words...dada. watched her reaction to the 1st time she had icecream..we saw her 1st steps and were there to kiss her booboos when she fell. We loved her. I was able to see the wonderful father Bradley was meant to be as he cradled her when she was sick or when she ran to him as he entered the front door.

I loved all the special times of taking her to Seaworld, to the zoo, and even our late night trips to Dairy Queen. But there was also some not good times when the mother decided every once in awhile that she wanted her back and having to leave Sarah there with her was so hard even though we knew it wouldn't be long before she would be calling us begging us to take her again. The ups and the downs as the mother used Sarah as a pawn in an unfair game of cat and mouse. She would also go back and forth with the idea of us taking the 4th baby unsure if the father would bite at the fact that he was having a "SON". So right before Sarah's 1st birthday Anthony Louis was born named after who we hoped to soon be his father Bradley Louis. The Mom asked not to hold or see him when he was born. I was the 1st one to cradle him in my arms. I remember sobbing so hard my tears dripped down on to his peach fuzz face. During the birth Bradley had to take a very sick Sarah to the Children's Hospital with a stomach virus so he wasn't able to come see this new little joy until the next day. I remember him walking in with Sarah (his attempt at fixing her hair and dressing her was hilarious to say the least but I give him props for all the nasty diaper changes and having to hose out her crib the night before so I bit my tongue!)

Well, the same thing happened with Anthony. We were set up to take him and then the mom changed her mind until about midnight that 1st night home she called and had locked herself in the bathroom begging us to come get him because he wouldn't stop crying.

This wild roller coaster was soon to come to an end once Brad got orders to ship off to Japan and I was sent back home to take care of my mother who was sick with her 1st battle of cancer. The mother and father (who decided to enter the picture) put a price tag on our little babies head. I broke down and begged Bradley to just pay them the money. Bradley was very hesitant and he had every right because the price kept going up and the demands were never ending. So we closed that chapter in our life. I had to bring our sweet little girl to this insane woman and turn and walk away with her screaming at the door for me. I could tell the terror in her little voice and I knew that her life would now be filled with many challenges that no little girl should have to ever face.

We thought this was the end. I went to Oklahoma and Bradley to Japan. 7 months had past and we went back to California. It only took a day to contact Sarah and Anthony and have them back in our arms again. We took them and moved into a tiny one room suite waiting for our base housing. This joy only lasted a few months when out of the blue I get a call from the Mom saying she is coming to get the kids and she is moving.

That was the end.

Our time with Anthony was so short. We loved him with his blonde locks and his beaming blue eyes but I think we were shielding our heart more with him. We knew that our time with him would be limited.

I miss them so much. I thought the years would heal my heart especially after having our own kids. I thought it would feel that void. But it's still there. I think about her often. How old would she be? How long is her hair? So many questions...but I know eventually God will lead me back to her when He's ready.

So to my Dear Sarah Bear...I Love You

This would not be our last attempt at saving a child. We also had two beautiful little girls that came from another troubled home. They started coming and spending every summer with us after we lost Sarah and Anthony. Then that turned into every school break spring, summer, fall, winter. Finally it came time for me to report the abuse and that was the end of us getting to see the girls. We had them from around the age of 5 & 6 until they were about 9 & 10. I still hear from them every once in awhile. They have grown into such beautiful young ladies.

I am proud that God allowed us to touch so many kids. We were able to offer so many a "Home" even if it was just for a short while. The lesson from this story isn't how sad for us that we were separated from so many children that were close to us but that helping a child should come at any cost. That God has asked us to do so and so it shall be that we open our hearts to those innocent souls and bless them while we have the opportunity to do so. I'm thankful for the time that I was given with Sarah and the other sweet kiddos and yes I ache for them at times but there is nothing that I would not do again. So please open your heart to a child in need.

Bradley and I are planning in the future to adopt. I'm not for sure when but I know it's all on God's timing. So we are waiting and praying.

"Whoever receives a child in My name, receives Me" Matthew 18:5

Living in the Now..

So I've been told many times to "live in the now"...I always tried hard to implement this but lately it just seems to be a fact of life for me. I don't have 5min. to even really think about tomorrow. My world of endless laundry and dirty diapers seems to pretty much suck up most of my day. I remember the days when a nice bath was a nice luxury at the end of a busy day...oh, now I just think of the hassle of it all and much rather just get to bed.
I also love when people help with the advice of "the house can get cleaned tomorrow". Well, the thing is tomorrow always seems to be busier than the last. I have had to take a step back and realize that the house will really never be "cleaned" to my liking. I guess it's like we tell the kids "we get what we get and we don't throw a fit" ;-)
I often find myself jealous and frustrated with the people who have the 3 kids, clean house, and the full time job. Is it because the kids are gone from the home all day so it doesn't get as trashed? Is it because the mom spends more time cleaning than interacting with her kids? Is it because she has found the one in a million husband that actually does the housework? Or is it because I just simply don't have my act together? I find myself constantly putting down the dishes to do a puzzle with the kids. But at the same time I refuse to be the parent with the kids that can't entertain themselves. As a child my siblings and I used to play alone and actually use our imaginations. So many children these days need to be told what to play or how to play something. I watched the super nanny once and she was appalled that the mother didn't spend all day interacting with her kids. ??? I think there is a fine line and I'm always trying to balance on it but often feel I go one way or the other...I think it mainly depends on what is going on in the day and how much cleaning I need to get done.
I love working at the church the two days I volunteer but lately it seems like such a balancing act that I often struggle with. It seems like lately it gets more and more ridiculous trying to get out the door and my planning and organizational skills are falling short. Example: Cubbies by the front door for shoes and jackets. Very Helpful except when you have a 1yr. old that loves wearing other peoples shoes or a 6yr. old that is very forgetful of putting her shoes in the basket. Which leads to a daily 30min. game of "FIND THE SHOE"!!!
Or another favorite game before we leave the house of "I need to go Potty". This game is often funner if we wait for everyone to get buckled in the car but not out of the driveway...
So back to my "living in the now"...it seems to be all I can do. Being late and forgetting diapers or the all important paci will be inevitable for me. The kids will grow and new challenges will come but for now I will pray that God continues to guide me and I will continue to laugh at the dysfunction I call a LIFE. :-)