There's No Place Like Home...

Home...it's where the heart is. Often a place of childhood memories, a place to find your closest family and friends, where everyone gathers to celebrate the holidays. When I think of "home" my heart is anywhere but there. The thought of going back to the place I grew up is anything but exciting.
My childhood was split between a state line. My younger yrs. spent on the Kansas side in the small town of Liberal and my teen yrs. spent a hop skip and jump away down a winding dirt road in Oklahoma. A lack lust area to say the least. No trees, no water, not much of really anything. I think most people stay because they are "stuck" or because of family. I was fortunate to have neither to keep me rooted there.
My husband is in love with this area...he has roots that will always be there. He loves making that long trip back. Every hour we get closer...Enid, Woodward, Bryans Corner...his smile gets bigger and my tears grow larger. Life of sitting around "shooting the breeze" and popping in on friends and family is so appealing to him. But to me it's much more. Driving down the highway and passing by that winding road that once took me to the "home" that once had my mother standing on her front deck waiting my arrival is gone. House still standing but with my mother gone it's just a house that is missing it's most important piece of structure...my mother and instead filled with memories of unhappy times. I have been out there a few times...her purse was still sitting on her bed, the sunflowers she planted towering tall and the smell of the lilac bush she loved is all to much of a reminder of what is missing. As we make our way into town we eventually pass by one or two houses that hold horrible memories of abuse. The town is not even what it once was it has changed and only the people from there know what I mean.
I know that this place is not "hell" on earth by any means but it was where my "hell" took place and by leaving this town in my past has only allowed me to move forward in my healing process. I still have family there that I greatly miss and love seeing but my avoidance of this town has caused distance in these relationships. That saddens me and I pray that I can finally get some peace and make a few more frequent trips. I would love to go and place flowers on my mother's grave more often.
I have never known a town with so much judgement. I used to think it was just my family but now I realize that this place thrives on judging others. I guess it's that small town charm of knowing everyone's business. LOL
I hope that offense isn't given to others from this post but I just wanted to share that you can take the "small town" out of a girl. ;-) I love who God has allowed me to be and can have a certain appreciation for where I came from but it doesn't mean that I want to vacation in my past. I release all hate and anomosity but memories will always remain with me. It's what keeps me strong and centered in my faith. I love with a joyous heart and will give with graciousness and honor all that has made me who I am.
The dread of that trip is one that builds everytime and as we pass by the feed lot...I start to count the days till we will pass by it again on our way back "home''.