Yes, I'm a People Pleaser

My friends would say that I lack the ability to say a certain two letter word. My kids would probably disagree. ;) I love the fact that I can serve others and help where ever I'm needed. I get great joy in knowing I can make a difference in peoples lives. I do know that if I wear myself out I'm no good to anyone...and I've been known to many times to forget this. What can I say "I'm a work in progress"! ;) Being a faithful servant is the one of the most important things I want to pass on to my children. The best way to instill this value is by example. What is the purpose of being on this Earth if you are not going to spend your time loving others. God made us all for a reason. We need to live in His grace and remember that our experiences are there to share. My history isn't there for me to dwell on and be consumed by the vast sadness of what accomponies the traumas I suffered. Instead I wish to help others who are going through similar trials...to share my story whether it's child abuse, caring for a terminally ill loved one, infertility, special needs children, or even our new adoption journey, maybe my story of being married to a man who has an identity issue and thinks that he is a professional bmx biker would help someone. ;) I have found myself bribing my children...yes, I said it...please don't turn me into the Super Nanny...whether it be out of sheer exhaustion or rewarding them for good behavior I've probably done it all at one point in time. I've been contemplating this action and not just because I'm afraid my kids will be spoiled brats but because I would hate for my children to live off the hope of being "rewarded". I don't want them to serve in a soup kitchen or toy drive hoping their picture makes the front page of the paper. I want their reward to be the smile on someone's face, wiping tears of joy off someone's cheek, or just knowing that our Great Father would say "Well Done". I am thankful that my kids are learing this first hand through fostering. They have given so much to children in need...they have shared their Mommy and Daddy even taking the backseat at times so a hurting child can be cradled and comforted. I hear each of them talking about serving in orphanages or going on missions to tell others about Jesus. It is amazing at how realistic these dreams are to them...I teach my kids just as much about doing missionary work as I do about going to college...or maybe even more. I pray that my life legacy won't be of the lady that never said "no" but the lady who was willing to serve and be the face of Jesus. I pray that my life will be full of purpose and love. If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.~Philippians 2:1-4 As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.~1 Peter 4:10-11 "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. "Nor do men light a lamp, and put it under the peck-measure, but on the lampstand; and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.~Matthew 5:14-16

A Journey of Fostering and Maintaining Your Sanity

I know it's been a very long while since my last blog. Needless to say life was happening faster than I could blog. As most know...I have been dreaming about the day I would be able to finally adopt. And we have finally made some leaps into that direction. After spending tons of time researching we decided that local state adoption would be the best choice for us. We were finally approved in January of 2012 after a long road of interviews and training. It was such a relief to sign that final mountain of paperwork but now we are stuck playing the waiting game. But thankfully our Gracious God has kept me pretty busy...right after signing off on our adoption paperwork we decided to try Emergency Fostering through our local shelter. We were getting placements left and right. They would stay anywhere from 2-10days. And we usually took 3 at a time (most were non siblings). By June I believe we had about 15 children come in and out of our home ages ranging from 4months-7yrs. Most were severely neglected and or special needs. I was feeling a bit exhausted but loving every minute of it. Let's face it I am a bit crazy. ;p These kids were my way of connecting to someone who was suffering in the world of abuse that I grew up in. I knew their pain and I knew that I could love them and help begin their healing process. We decided in May that after fostering two special needs kiddos for 3wks. while trying to finish up our homeschool year that we needed a break. So once those children were finally moved out of our home I had full intention on taking a long break. But then I got that call late at night and God reassured me that He would be there for me. So late in the evening I received 2 precious children (10yrs. and 14months). They fit like a missing puzzle piece into our family. My children instantly bonded to them and vise versa. We did have lots of trust issues and food hording we had to deal with but overall it was an amazing experience until recently our 10yr. was moved from our home to go live with relatives. That was hard. I sat for a long time in the parking lot as she drove away sobbing. Our plan was to set our age range for kids 7 and under so I was very hesitant to take a 10yr. old but I'm so glad eased my heart so I was able to call back and say "yes". I know that I was able to touch her life and that she was finally able to see what love is and watching my oldest disciple to her and have mini bible studies late at night in their room was so comforting that she would leave with this tiny seed planted in her heart. We still have baby boy and he is beyond amazing and precious. Sometimes I feel like I love him more than my heart will even allow. And even though I would do anything for him...this battle of trying to be his voice in this big messed up system we call DHS is more than overwhelming. We have great caseworkers but until laws and guidelines change it's all really irrelevant. The children of our state are not being protected by the current system. So do I throw in the towel and not deal with the stress? Those big blue eyes of his tell me "no". :) God has given me this baby and I will cherish him just like my other children. They are all His and I'm honored that this baby for whatever length of time is here with me and can curl up in my lap so I can read his favorite Good Night Moon story and he is safe here in my arms for the time being. I pray over him every night. He now clasps his chubby little hands together and as we say "AMEN" he nods his head in agreement. Planting that seed of faith is so important for these children who often grow up feeling so hopeless and lost. No greater security blanket then the Arms of Our Loving Father to wrap them up in. I am probably the worst spokesperson for fostering...lol...I just wished someone would have given me more of a heads up of how consuming it is...or maybe it's like having that first baby it doesn't matter how many times people tell you to "sleep now" you don't until it's too late and you have a screaming newborn at home. ;) Parent visits, all the court ordered therapy visits, court hearings, doctor visits. Every week my calendar is full with this schedule. And because I have this beautiful boy I will do it...I love him. I pray that he will get to be our forever child but I know that is a long shot right now. But if he does get moved I have already informed my caseworker I will be taking a break and refocusing on our adoption process. Whether we stay with the state or start looking international again. I know God already knows these answers so I've yet to spend much time stressing about it. I know in my heart we have another little one out there and we just need to keep our hearts open so we can find them. I am thankful and inspired by all my fostering friends. You guys have given me such strength and direction. And friends who are considering fostering or adoption and still would like to ask questions please feel free...if I don't know the answer

I probably have a friend who does.

The Great Mascara Run

Sitting here slowly gathering strength and feeling extremely faithful with a few drops of mascara and tears rolling down my face. This has been just another bend in this very long winding road that I've know as my life. Learning from this experience has been amazing. Brad and I have both grown as adults, parents, and believers in this time he has been out of work. It has opened our eyes to many different ways to improve all aspects of our life. So this "blessing" that I haven't fully understood is already starting to shine rays out behind the dark clouds.
A few weeks ago I heard an amazing sermon on being faithful and strong...to live life and enjoy it. I took all that I learned and embraced it. Thinking: "Wow, I can do this! I want to do this!". I want to make lemonade out of lemons. And the harder I tried...the more the "bad news" kept pouring in. One day he is going to be put on disability, another they are going to "let him go", and most of the time no one could give a straight answer. I tried to live behind my "smile"...the bigger the "smile" the more I would force myself to believing I was relying on God and His plan. But the sad truth is that I WAS SCARED...I was terrified...I didn't want to lose my beautiful home, take my kids away from their schools, dr.'s , dance...
I still and always know that God has a great plan for all of us. He is a loving kind God. But I also know that there are "believers" that are living on the street unable to feed their kids. And I just wondered "where is our bottom going to be?" "how much farther down will we have to go?" He will lead us out I'm just trying to be patient and rely on His strength.
Prayer...it's the most powerful tool he has given me. It will help me to survive this. At the same time God has given me the power to grieve...so the tears and the mascara have run most days. I refuse to let it encompass me so when I have a "moment" I will step back, pray, let the mascara run, grab a baby wipe and wipe away the mess it leaves behind (babywipe use #101...lol) and go about filling my day with laughter, the joy and antics of my pack of live in monkeys, and my faithful friends. I will let myself process this and be ok that I'm human and heartache is a real feeling and God will hold me until I can regain my strength again.
So I get up and slap on the water proof mascara and power through my crazy full days of everything from feeling so "important" volunteering at my amazing church, feeling so "important" as I'm wiping tears away from the face of a 2yr. old who just needs her Mommy, feeling so "important" when my husband reaches out in stress and says I just need you, I feel so "important" because my God has so much love for me and knows that I can do this.

Let Him Hold My Hand

Life has kept me busy and away from my dear blog. But as I sit here tonight praying for my sick husband and lil' girl who seems to have some kind of "bug" I feel inspired to blog. :)
I really believe in embracing your struggles...to let the natural occurrence of pain to happen but to stand strong in your faith that He will see you through it. We will not always be "healed" the way we want or think. Our bodies may fail us, relationships may end, financial security will leave...but He will always be there...our purpose in life is so much more than all of this...what is all of this anyways if we are not doing our part to make a difference...to live our full potential...to love no matter what.
I used to find myself yelling to God..."WHY? Have I not had enough struggles?" but the fact is I know that my purpose in this is life is great. My soul is still strong with all that I've been through. I am grateful. And I really am truly blessed.
My husband Bradley has recently become pretty ill. He has also recently been told his company will not allow him to work with this incurable condition. We have been eagerly waiting some kind of outcome on his job for over 6months...he is the soul financial provider for our family and this has set a series of events as we struggle to adjust our fiances with this recent pay loss. But I've finally realized that God has provided every need that we've needed met in this time frame. And I am beyond thankful and have given up the "worry" of it all. His answer to all of this will come and I know that even if I don't ever understand the reasoning behind all of this...it is not without one...His plan is sometimes greater than we can see.
So I want to say again...be faithful...know that He is always with you. And it's "ok" to struggle. He has equipped us with a great power and that is "prayer"...use it!!!
Life isn't always perfect...I've faced severe abuse as a child, loss of a mother to cancer, struggles of infertility, loss of a child through a failed adoption, separation from family, a child who has been sick since birth, and now a husband who may not be able to work again. But I am hopeful, I am blessed, I will wake up tomorrow with my overbooked schedule and take on the day like it's my last, I will be thankful, and I will feel loved. I will ALWAYS feel loved...because no matter what...once you know Christ...truly know Him and his magnitude...you will always be blessed with His endless love even in the hardest of times.
I don't know what the future holds...I'm looking into going to seminary school...maybe becoming a Children's Minister...I am not really for sure quite yet what path He wants me to take but I do know that He has given me the power to share my experiences and to try to bring hope to someone who might need it. There is always Hope. I will have days when I just need a good cry...but I will always feel His loving arms around me. Sometimes my children are over tired, just upset, or hurt by rules they don't understand and they just need a good cry...I always encourage and will welcome them to curl up in my lap to do so....because I know the comfort of my Fathers embrace and I will share this with my children.

Survivior Island

Thinking back to that 1st year of being a parent to my 1 beautiful little girl...she was the light of my life and my days and nights evolved around her. I remember thinking at times how tiring and difficult this parenting thing can be...I had no idea what the future had in store for me!
Amazing how when you have one little baby and the world turns upside down. Trying to figure out a new way of life with no sleep can be trying for any new parent. But yet you find time to bathe that baby every day, you manage to catch all the precious milestones on camera, when those 1st teethies start to come in you meticulously brush them....you learn to "parent"....and then baby #2 comes along and in my case quickly followed by baby #3 and you go from "parenting" to "surviving". Instead of doing what's best and having the time to rationalize your every move you snap into "lets just maintain"! You try the reg. bath routine but then you have those wk.s were you catch yourself smelling the children to see which ones are "due'', you catch yourself wrangling the toddlers for a teeth brushing which means you sit on one while shoving that toothbrush in and praying that your dental insurance holds out cause you know you are going to be needing it.
Life is vibrant and colorful here in the Farris house to say the least. You will often hear the giggling of at least one child and the screams of another. It can seldom be described as peaceful. I know the toddler yrs. are short lived and the screams and door slamming of teenagers are just around the corner. So I sit here at 4pm in my pajamas, hair in a ponytail, smelling like babywipes and peanut butter thinking how blessed I am. Your life is what you make of it which includes those bumps in the roads, those temper tantrums on isle 4, the bedtime nightmares...choose to make something of it all. I am a mother. It is the role God laid out for me. He prepared me and he gives me strength to get through ever challenging day.
My days are filled with so many trials and in doing my best to just keep the house standing and the children alive I can sometimes forget why I am here and why I should be "happy".
How do I describe my "mothering"? probably best put as ''the mother who wants to do it all" even though I am fully aware a mother of 3 can't possibly accomplish it all. I want my kids to experience life. I want them to get messy and enjoy themselves.
I think at times their only purpose is to drive me insane. But I can easily be distracted with kisses and cuddles. And even though peace and quiet is something I crave the few times it has happened in my house usually means that my lil' troop is up to no good...whether that means painting the baby, going Picasso on my furniture, or finding multiple uses for a tube of Desitin...toothpaste, lotion, hair gel...you get the picture...I still embrace them and know that without all the trials they set in front of us they wouldn't learn or be curious about life. I rather them be curious and trying to discover themselves and life then just sit back and be clean and neat. I could go without the 4hrs. at urgent care trying to get a polly pocket shoe out of a 3yr. olds nose but we saved the shoe...its in his trophy box and is now a valued prize. :-)
Being a 1st time parent is hard work...being a parent to 3 is a challenge. And the Farris children have it down to a fine art. LOL!
I stayed up till midnight making a batch of rainbow cupcakes. A lot of work and I was starting to regret getting into this project as I watched the clock ticking by while the last batched baked but when those lil' faces woke up the next morning and saw what Mommy made them...it was all worth it. How often do you get cupcakes for breakfast? I was Mom of the Year for the whole day!
Their faces may not be clean all the time, the laundry will be pilled up, and someone will probably be in timeout because I'm just too tired to go over why you can't jump off the top bunk even if you have a cape on but I refuse to give up my special moments of playing in the mud, eating cupcakes for breakfast, or setting up a full size tent in my livingroom for guests to have to walk thru.
This is my adventure...and I will survive. :-)

There's No Place Like Home...

Home...it's where the heart is. Often a place of childhood memories, a place to find your closest family and friends, where everyone gathers to celebrate the holidays. When I think of "home" my heart is anywhere but there. The thought of going back to the place I grew up is anything but exciting.
My childhood was split between a state line. My younger yrs. spent on the Kansas side in the small town of Liberal and my teen yrs. spent a hop skip and jump away down a winding dirt road in Oklahoma. A lack lust area to say the least. No trees, no water, not much of really anything. I think most people stay because they are "stuck" or because of family. I was fortunate to have neither to keep me rooted there.
My husband is in love with this area...he has roots that will always be there. He loves making that long trip back. Every hour we get closer...Enid, Woodward, Bryans Corner...his smile gets bigger and my tears grow larger. Life of sitting around "shooting the breeze" and popping in on friends and family is so appealing to him. But to me it's much more. Driving down the highway and passing by that winding road that once took me to the "home" that once had my mother standing on her front deck waiting my arrival is gone. House still standing but with my mother gone it's just a house that is missing it's most important piece of structure...my mother and instead filled with memories of unhappy times. I have been out there a few times...her purse was still sitting on her bed, the sunflowers she planted towering tall and the smell of the lilac bush she loved is all to much of a reminder of what is missing. As we make our way into town we eventually pass by one or two houses that hold horrible memories of abuse. The town is not even what it once was it has changed and only the people from there know what I mean.
I know that this place is not "hell" on earth by any means but it was where my "hell" took place and by leaving this town in my past has only allowed me to move forward in my healing process. I still have family there that I greatly miss and love seeing but my avoidance of this town has caused distance in these relationships. That saddens me and I pray that I can finally get some peace and make a few more frequent trips. I would love to go and place flowers on my mother's grave more often.
I have never known a town with so much judgement. I used to think it was just my family but now I realize that this place thrives on judging others. I guess it's that small town charm of knowing everyone's business. LOL
I hope that offense isn't given to others from this post but I just wanted to share that you can take the "small town" out of a girl. ;-) I love who God has allowed me to be and can have a certain appreciation for where I came from but it doesn't mean that I want to vacation in my past. I release all hate and anomosity but memories will always remain with me. It's what keeps me strong and centered in my faith. I love with a joyous heart and will give with graciousness and honor all that has made me who I am.
The dread of that trip is one that builds everytime and as we pass by the feed lot...I start to count the days till we will pass by it again on our way back "home''.

My Sister, My Friend

This blog is about one of my most dearest friends...my sister.
This is a relationship that I cherish with all my heart and yet it is one that I never thought would be. Of course as children we were very close. We shared toys, a room, and clothes AND we fought over toys, our room, and clothes. ;-) When I was a teenager she used to tag along on my dates. I would "style" her as if she was my doll. And I genuinely loved her...she was my baby sister. But as I left the nest and flew off to California to start my new life with my husband...her life started to spiral out of control. Not long after settling into our 1st apartment I received a shocking phone call from my mother...my baby sister had not only got caught sneaking out of the house she went to a party and was discovered unconscious with alcohol poisoning. She had to have her stomach pumped and then was later sentenced with community service for underage drinking...I prayed she would get back on track after all of this. But sadly she did not. It was just the beginning of a life that went spiraling out of control with the outcome looking very bleak. I was worried, I was sad, and then I was mad. I reached out...and I begged...but yet she clinged to this life of pain. My heart broke for her. Our relationship came to an end after trying for the "last time" to help her. I was pregnant with Kambry and she moved in with us and was trying to attend college. But after only a few months the realization of her troubling issues soon came to light and I knew that "I" could not save her. She left and so did any hope of ever having my "sister" again. I feared that my next phone call I would receive about her would be about her funeral.
Not long after this I receive word that she is pregnant. And needless to say "anger" didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. I struggled for so long to get pregnant and here this girl who could care less about herself let alone a baby gets pregnant?! And then God stepped in and changed everything. My mother who was the one trying to keep us all together got sick. And my sister pregnant and struggling to get her life together needed me...and my heart missed her so much and ached for all the pain she had been through and now to be pregnant and watching our mother die...I had to step in and help. God allowed me to open my heart back up and because of that I was able to hold her hand through her labor...it was just the two of us at the hospital and it just happen to be one of the most memorable times of my life. I was the 1st to hold my precious niece...how great is God to allow all of this to happen in a time of such grief. We continued to cling to each other over the next few months. As I stepped in to help her with her new little one and spending time taking Mom to the city for treatments. It was a sad time but we were able to pick each other up when it was getting too rough to bare...whether that be blasting the radio and singing in the car or just crying it out with each other.
But this moment was short lived. My mother got very ill and I think it was too much for others to handle...especially a young new mother trying to work and go to school to support her new baby all on her own...so I was left pretty much alone to care for my very sick mother (with the occasional help from family and a few friends) (let me add that I am grateful for this time I was able to renew a wonderful relationship with my mother and would not take away one minute painful or not of being with her)...at this point treatments were stopped and she was sent home to suffer and to eventually breathe her very last breath...with that came immense pain for all of us but sadly it completely swallowed a few of us. Our relationship became off again on again over the next few years. I was desperate to "help" her. And then "I" found HIM and realized that it wasn't help from me she was searching for it was all about HIM...she needed to find Him because He was the only one that could heal her heart...to save her!
And here we are...Christ is thriving in both of our hearts and we are thriving with each other. She is on a path of healing and she has grown into such a beautiful person. She still struggles with past issues but is able to recognize them and is continuing to reach out to her Father for guidance. He is the great provider, the amazing healer, and the giver of strength. For I am grateful for all He has given me...including a beautiful sister...and friend.