Sitting here slowly gathering strength and feeling extremely faithful with a few drops of mascara and tears rolling down my face. This has been just another bend in this very long winding road that I've know as my life. Learning from this experience has been amazing. Brad and I have both grown as adults, parents, and believers in this time he has been out of work. It has opened our eyes to many different ways to improve all aspects of our life. So this "blessing" that I haven't fully understood is already starting to shine rays out behind the dark clouds.
A few weeks ago I heard an amazing sermon on being faithful and strong...to live life and enjoy it. I took all that I learned and embraced it. Thinking: "Wow, I can do this! I want to do this!". I want to make lemonade out of lemons. And the harder I tried...the more the "bad news" kept pouring in. One day he is going to be put on disability, another they are going to "let him go", and most of the time no one could give a straight answer. I tried to live behind my "smile"...the bigger the "smile" the more I would force myself to believing I was relying on God and His plan. But the sad truth is that I WAS SCARED...I was terrified...I didn't want to lose my beautiful home, take my kids away from their schools, dr.'s , dance...
I still and always know that God has a great plan for all of us. He is a loving kind God. But I also know that there are "believers" that are living on the street unable to feed their kids. And I just wondered "where is our bottom going to be?" "how much farther down will we have to go?" He will lead us out I'm just trying to be patient and rely on His strength.
Prayer...it's the most powerful tool he has given me. It will help me to survive this. At the same time God has given me the power to grieve...so the tears and the mascara have run most days. I refuse to let it encompass me so when I have a "moment" I will step back, pray, let the mascara run, grab a baby wipe and wipe away the mess it leaves behind (babywipe use #101...lol) and go about filling my day with laughter, the joy and antics of my pack of live in monkeys, and my faithful friends. I will let myself process this and be ok that I'm human and heartache is a real feeling and God will hold me until I can regain my strength again.
So I get up and slap on the water proof mascara and power through my crazy full days of everything from feeling so "important" volunteering at my amazing church, feeling so "important" as I'm wiping tears away from the face of a 2yr. old who just needs her Mommy, feeling so "important" when my husband reaches out in stress and says I just need you, I feel so "important" because my God has so much love for me and knows that I can do this.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Let Him Hold My Hand
Life has kept me busy and away from my dear blog. But as I sit here tonight praying for my sick husband and lil' girl who seems to have some kind of "bug" I feel inspired to blog. :)
I really believe in embracing your struggles...to let the natural occurrence of pain to happen but to stand strong in your faith that He will see you through it. We will not always be "healed" the way we want or think. Our bodies may fail us, relationships may end, financial security will leave...but He will always be there...our purpose in life is so much more than all of this...what is all of this anyways if we are not doing our part to make a difference...to live our full potential...to love no matter what.
I used to find myself yelling to God..."WHY? Have I not had enough struggles?" but the fact is I know that my purpose in this is life is great. My soul is still strong with all that I've been through. I am grateful. And I really am truly blessed.
My husband Bradley has recently become pretty ill. He has also recently been told his company will not allow him to work with this incurable condition. We have been eagerly waiting some kind of outcome on his job for over 6months...he is the soul financial provider for our family and this has set a series of events as we struggle to adjust our fiances with this recent pay loss. But I've finally realized that God has provided every need that we've needed met in this time frame. And I am beyond thankful and have given up the "worry" of it all. His answer to all of this will come and I know that even if I don't ever understand the reasoning behind all of this...it is not without one...His plan is sometimes greater than we can see.
So I want to say again...be faithful...know that He is always with you. And it's "ok" to struggle. He has equipped us with a great power and that is "prayer"...use it!!!
Life isn't always perfect...I've faced severe abuse as a child, loss of a mother to cancer, struggles of infertility, loss of a child through a failed adoption, separation from family, a child who has been sick since birth, and now a husband who may not be able to work again. But I am hopeful, I am blessed, I will wake up tomorrow with my overbooked schedule and take on the day like it's my last, I will be thankful, and I will feel loved. I will ALWAYS feel loved...because no matter what...once you know Christ...truly know Him and his magnitude...you will always be blessed with His endless love even in the hardest of times.
I don't know what the future holds...I'm looking into going to seminary school...maybe becoming a Children's Minister...I am not really for sure quite yet what path He wants me to take but I do know that He has given me the power to share my experiences and to try to bring hope to someone who might need it. There is always Hope. I will have days when I just need a good cry...but I will always feel His loving arms around me. Sometimes my children are over tired, just upset, or hurt by rules they don't understand and they just need a good cry...I always encourage and will welcome them to curl up in my lap to do so....because I know the comfort of my Fathers embrace and I will share this with my children.
I really believe in embracing your struggles...to let the natural occurrence of pain to happen but to stand strong in your faith that He will see you through it. We will not always be "healed" the way we want or think. Our bodies may fail us, relationships may end, financial security will leave...but He will always be there...our purpose in life is so much more than all of this...what is all of this anyways if we are not doing our part to make a difference...to live our full potential...to love no matter what.
I used to find myself yelling to God..."WHY? Have I not had enough struggles?" but the fact is I know that my purpose in this is life is great. My soul is still strong with all that I've been through. I am grateful. And I really am truly blessed.
My husband Bradley has recently become pretty ill. He has also recently been told his company will not allow him to work with this incurable condition. We have been eagerly waiting some kind of outcome on his job for over 6months...he is the soul financial provider for our family and this has set a series of events as we struggle to adjust our fiances with this recent pay loss. But I've finally realized that God has provided every need that we've needed met in this time frame. And I am beyond thankful and have given up the "worry" of it all. His answer to all of this will come and I know that even if I don't ever understand the reasoning behind all of this...it is not without one...His plan is sometimes greater than we can see.
So I want to say again...be faithful...know that He is always with you. And it's "ok" to struggle. He has equipped us with a great power and that is "prayer"...use it!!!
Life isn't always perfect...I've faced severe abuse as a child, loss of a mother to cancer, struggles of infertility, loss of a child through a failed adoption, separation from family, a child who has been sick since birth, and now a husband who may not be able to work again. But I am hopeful, I am blessed, I will wake up tomorrow with my overbooked schedule and take on the day like it's my last, I will be thankful, and I will feel loved. I will ALWAYS feel loved...because no matter what...once you know Christ...truly know Him and his magnitude...you will always be blessed with His endless love even in the hardest of times.
I don't know what the future holds...I'm looking into going to seminary school...maybe becoming a Children's Minister...I am not really for sure quite yet what path He wants me to take but I do know that He has given me the power to share my experiences and to try to bring hope to someone who might need it. There is always Hope. I will have days when I just need a good cry...but I will always feel His loving arms around me. Sometimes my children are over tired, just upset, or hurt by rules they don't understand and they just need a good cry...I always encourage and will welcome them to curl up in my lap to do so....because I know the comfort of my Fathers embrace and I will share this with my children.
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